Making Up is Hard to Do
by stryker131
Summary: In 2002 RFK wrote Breaking Up is Hard to Do where Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres ended their relationship over the Nakin Memorial. The story was never finished. This is my interpretation of what followed through Voyager's return. Read the RFK story first. Contains some violence and suggestive intimate relations thus the M rating.
1. Chapter 1

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 1

B'Elanna took a deep breath. "Is that what you want, Tom? For me to leave you alone? If so, you can forget about us taking a break. As far as I am concerned…WE'RE THROUGH!"

"Glory hallelujah! You finally decided to be honest for a change!" Tom shot back. A growl left B'Elanna's throat but he did not care. He was too angry. Instead, he seared the Chief Engineer with one last glare, slammed his tray on the galley's counter, and stalked out of the mess hall.

Harry Kim watched Tom Paris enter the turbolift, his face a mask of indifference. The door closed and he was gone. Murmuring was already heard throughout the mess hall along with shocked stares.

Kim was stunned. "B'Elanna, what the hell just happened?"

Torres's suddenly dry mouth moved. She stared at the turbolift as if expecting it to open and Tom to reappear. "I'm…not sure. I just told Tom it was over. I think he agreed."

"He didn't say that, you did."

"He left, didn't he?"

Kim was trying to salvage something here. "Oh come on, B'Elanna! Who wouldn't after a scene like that? You lost it. In the mess hall of all places. He is under a great deal of stress after the Captain reactivated that memorial. We all are. You blew up on him. "

She looked at Harry unemotionally and with perhaps a bit of relief. "I rarely lose my temper anymore. I have learned to control it thanks to Tuvok. But I just couldn't stop this time. It wasn't about me. This is about him. It always is anymore. He won't let me help him. He pushed me away, for the last time."

"B'Elanna!"

"Harry, don't."

She got up and left her nearly full tray where it sat. It was time to go back to engineering.

/

At the time they separated, Starfleet Lieutenants Thomas Eugene Paris and B'Elanna Torres had been a couple for almost three years. Initially they tried to keep their relationship a secret but eventually shared B'Elanna's quarters. They spent virtually all of their free time together and those who saw them together could not help but see a more loving and caring couple.

As with any pair they had differences but they most often bickered about pushing each other away during times of stress. They were independent to a fault, the end result of so many occasions in their youth where self-reliance was their only way of dealing with emotional pain.

Their most recent argument followed that pattern. This time it ended what many aboard the Starship USS Voyager had believed to be a relationship worthy of envy.

It was difficult to understand who was to blame. Tom Paris was having difficulty coping with what turned out to be three-hundred-year-old memories of his massacring eighty-two innocent people on Nakan. B'Elanna tried to comfort him but he got angry and pushed her away. When she walked out on him he apologized and she initially took it well. But upon reflection she decided she had enough. She asked Tom for space to consider where things were with them.

Tom took what B'Elanna thought was a simple request for time as rejection. But his reaction was normal for a male and particularly a hot shot pilot with an ego. When a woman requests space in an established relationship men instinctively know what will follow: We can still be friends. She told him so. And he wanted much more than that, as did she.

/

Of course there were many factors at work that contributed to their breakup and not just Nakan. The most obvious one was Voyager and their being so far from home in the Delta Quadrant. Now in the early months of their seventh year, life in the Delta Quadrant aboard a flying air bubble was taking its toll on the ship and its crew.

Their mission of perhaps a few months had by accident become a 70,000 light-year, seventy-year journey to get home. And the Intrepid-class ship was not designed for an extended mission in space.

Initially there were 140 crewmen working three continually-rotating shifts. Adding Maquis and aliens bumped that number to about 150 or so. Still there were times that demanded double shifts or more. The work continued non-stop seven days a week and the pressure to perform was unrelenting.

Engineering was the section with the most crucial mission and arguably the most stress. The talented, creative, and driven chief engineer Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres felt it most. Her limited personnel were not only compelled to continuously replicate parts but to remodel Voyager. They designed and built a kitchen, expanded the mess hall, modified quarters, established a hydroponic garden for fresh fruit and vegetables, and added other amenities such as expanded Holodecks and more latrines per deck. Their maintenance routine also included taking care of or replacing shuttles that were damaged or destroyed. Preserving the vessel and its smaller craft without the luxury of an overhaul facility or communications with home initially compounded the problem.

Although Voyager would eventually return to the Alpha Quadrant in seven years due to the sacrifice of Admiral Kathryn Janeway and an altered time stream, no one knew that when they were thrown halfway across the galaxy into the Delta Quadrant. True, seven decades of travel time became fifty due to various engine upgrades, hull modifications, and periodic anomalies. Still, for the older crew members, their death aboard ship was a given. If the younger ones lived they would not be home until they were in their seventies or older.

Realizing that the journey home would be completed by their children, grandchildren, or aliens preyed upon the minds of everyone aboard. Family members would long be deceased. When word had reached Starfleet that Voyager had not been destroyed and was in the Delta Quadrant, many left-behind husbands, wives, fiancés, and significant others had already moved on.

Adding to the strain of daily routine was the Delta Quadrant itself. Several crewmen had already died and others were damaged emotionally if not physically. While Captain Janeway was proud of her crew and should be, she had no idea how to truly gauge the mentality of her personnel and how the constant pressure affected individuals. What she did know was that some handled it far better than others.

/

In truth the Paris/Torres mess hall scene should never have happened. The couple had promised each other that there would be no more masks. They would be open about their feelings. They would trust each other. They would depend upon one another for support.

But interdependence was something they had trouble accepting. Strongly independent they were afraid of being emotionally hurt or abandoned when they should have been long past that point in their relationship. They were together but had not yet bonded.

Also at play was that they were not married. While living together for over two years had its benefits, it also offered them an immediate out. Even they had to admit that it is less likely to fully commit to someone if you can just end things without having to go through a divorce. And Tom always suspected that it would be control-freak B'Elanna who would call it quits. Apparently, he was right.

For the first few days, the former lovers withdrew into a mental cocoon. Tom again pretended nothing mattered but he was not the joker he once was. B'Elanna tried to convince herself that she really did not need him or anyone actually. She was a rock in a sea of pain. But they lied to themselves and knew it.

/

The Paris and Torres breakup spread like wildfire and generated mixed reactions among the crew. Most could not believe it. Some had predicted it all along but were not happy as they collected their credits from the ship's betting pool. Others kept their bets riding on a whim that the two would eventually reconcile to become the first of many marriages aboard Voyager. The odds were not good but sometimes you can't play the odds.

One of the hold outs was the former Borg, Seven-of-Nine. Seven had investigated human mating practices and her primary case study was Paris and Torres. Upon analyzing her data, the curvaceous former drone concluded that their situation was very serious. But they would eventually reconcile if one of them did not die. How long it would take and under what circumstances she did not know. But she was convinced.

It was at work, however, where indications surfaced that things were irreconcilable. When the two happened to be on the bridge, they ignored each other or kept things brief and professional. Those in engineering cringed because a deliberately overworked Torres reverted back to the pre-Tom days of endless crabbiness and periodic outbursts. And then there were the opportunists looking to bed the exotic and now miserable half-Klingon. On the command deck Tom Paris remained outwardly unflappable as he flew the ship and trained the other pilots. More than one woman was already thinking about how to take him to bed.

/

If truth be told Paris and Torres were absolutely right for each other. Their relationship was built upon friendship, a deep sense of caring, mutual professional admiration, and respect. They were intellectually matched and equally strong physically. They had the same sense of humor and enjoyed innuendo-laced flirting that made them laugh. Sexual contact was frequent and ran the gamut from longing looks to the act itself. When they were together as a couple for even a brief moment only an idiot could not see the joy in their eyes and their wanting to touch each other.

But perhaps their real strength was that they worked together instinctively as a team. It was as if each could read the other's mind when solving complex engineering and flight control problems. Their almost automatic response to one another came from their having shared so much danger and saving each other's life more than once. They simply knew instinctively what to do.

Each loved the other for different reasons. B'Elanna's Klingon volatility aroused Tom and he encouraged it despite often painful injuries to himself. He also loved her human side because she had an inner strength and warmth that he respected.

Indeed, Paris loved B'Elanna Torres because she was B'Elanna Torres. His B'Elanna, as he often referred to her. Although they 'scraped shields' numerous times, Tom could take it and dish it out. She respected him for that. And, as Ensign Sean Murphy would discover and even Captain Janeway understood, Tom Paris was the only person aboard Voyager who could calm the fiery chief engineer when she had an emotional explosion.

Although B'Elanna had a tough exterior, she loved Tom Paris because of his heart and courage. Tom was the kindest person she had ever known and touched her like no other had to include her parents. He was always looking out for her, had often saved her life, and had pursued her despite her pushing him away hundreds of times. When she finally gave up and admitted she loved him it was the happiest day in her life although they almost died in space at the time. His personal courage fired up her Klingon side; she admired his bravery but his recklessness scared her.

She loved Tom more than life itself but her emotive problems mimicked his. For Torres, living as a half-Klingon with her parents on the human colony Kessik IV was difficult and left her emotionally scarred. Her human father divorced her Klingon mother and left B'Elanna at age five. She thought it was her fault. She also had tried to hide her forehead with scarves and hats as a child, for she was ashamed of her appearance. Tom was the first person to make her feel beautiful and sexy.

As an only child, she developed a phobia about being abandoned after her father left. Her relationship with her Klingon mother Miral was poor. Miral's attention mostly came by way of training her daughter to be a warrior. B'Elanna never overcame her dominant human half and disliked all things Klingon.

Tom's issues stemmed from his being denied love early in life. While Tom's mother and sisters loved him, his father Admiral Owen Paris was cool towards him at best. Tom never lived up to his father's expectations and his being groomed to be a fleet admiral someday.

Several Paris romances had failed. Alice Battisti and Susie Crabtree's spurning of his outreaches and a broken engagement with Ricky caused Tom to seek sex only to feel good. His torrid relationship with the Bajoran former Federation officer and Maquis Ro Laren had potential for a long-lasting relationship but ended when Tom went to prison. Curiously, it was Ro who told B'Elanna that Tom Paris was exactly the man the half-Klingon needed. Torres only scoffed. _I will not be another notch on his bedpost._

Initially on Voyager Tom was a piggish rogue. But over time his growing fascination with the fiery engineer caused him to shun all others in pursuit of her. In B'Elanna he had finally found the love he was looking for, although their relationship had more than its share of bumps.

Torres's sexual background was thin compared to Paris's. She had been taken advantage of in high school by an older 'panty hunter.' Her first true relationship with Max Burke at Starfleet Academy seemed right but she never knew if all he wanted was rough Klingon sex.

Her best social memories at the Academy were plebe year Monday pizza nights with senior Tom Paris while she was dating Max. They enjoyed each other's company and she had no idea he had fallen in love with her. She had a few lovers since dropping out but only as one-time affairs when she initiated them for relief. When she finally found Tom, she lost herself in him completely. She had never loved anyone as much as Thomas Eugene Paris.

Along with Tom, Voyager was her life. B'Elanna had found love and purpose in the Delta Quadrant through engineering and pushing the warp engines and her crew to attain 100% capacity from 98% capability. Her personal involvement with Thomas Eugene Paris left her breathless. It was hard for her to determine what she loved more, her engines or Tom. But as she was now discovering, only one of them could love her back.

In a curious twist, Tom and B'Elanna had abandoned each other despite hating that it had been done to them before. Even if they found someone else, decades together on what would then be a battered and cobbled-together Voyager promised to be absolute hell. Of course, one of them might perish along the way and that would resolve things permanently.


	2. Chapter 2

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 2

"Personal Log Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres Stardate 53105.1. Well computer, Tom and I called it quits today after nearly three years as a couple. Actually I screamed at him during a rare fit and he agreed to end it. I was shocked. Now I am relieved. He is so immature, stubborn, and yes he does have a temper although he rarely shows it. Not like me; I lost it this one time after months of being calm. He just would not listen and let me in. Yeah, I pushed him and he wasn't ready. But why be a couple if we can't help ourselves during the bad times? So now I am composed, nothing is wrong. I miss him but that is natural. I made the right decision, didn't I? Sure I did. I did not overreact. End log, encode Torres Omega Micron Three."

/

"Personal Log Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, Stardate 53105.4. I cannot believe it but B'Elanna blew up in the mess hall today and said we are through! And I agreed! What the hell is going on? Okay, I pushed her out of my quarters over that memorial on Nakin and those memories but I was stressed and not ready to deal with it. Harry wasn't dealing with it either but she did not blow up on him. B'Elanna and I have argued many times before but nothing like this. But she will get over it. When we have dinner tonight I will apologize. God, this was in front of the entire Beta shift! I still can't believe it. I really should not have gotten her so upset. It will blow over. It has to. It will. End log, encode Paris Alpha Beta Six."

/

"Personal Log Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres Stardate 53126.6. So three weeks now and no Paris. I told him to move out weeks ago and he did. He now avoids me. Good. I can handle it. Harry talked to me again today. I did not listen. I met Ensign Sean Murphy earlier who offered to have a private drink with me. Right. We had a drink at Sandrine's, well, maybe two. Opportunistic pig! He wants into my panties and he is not going to get there. So I'm a sad, lonely, and vulnerable half Klingon ready to jump into bed? Hardly. I may be sad and lonely but no way about flying into bed. But Ensign Murphy is treating me nice and he is mature and stable. A laboratory guy, not a crazy pilot. But he doesn't really understand me. Not like Tom. Tom! He found someone just after I did. Aubrey. Ensign Aubrey. Starfleet legacy Aubrey the conservative. If he loved me he would not have found her so fast. He never did love me, did he? It was just sex. Over two years of it. Great sex. But why do I hurt so much? I gave up my mate, that's why. So much for Klingon lifetime mating and monogamy and all that. But Murphy won't last. Now I will spend the next fifty years alone and try to avoid Tom as much as I can. Great. _Banging noises._ Why? Why? Why? Who am I kidding? _Sniff_.End log, encode Torres Omega Micron Three."

/

"Personal Log Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, Stardate 53261.7. So Torres found another guy today just three weeks after we broke up. Fast, Torres, real fast. That petaQ Murphy. A panty hunter from way back. She did it right in front of me in the mess hall. Left to go have a drink in Sandrine's. How can she be so stupid? She knows what he is. Is he getting some of that? No way. She wouldn't. She couldn't. I trust her. So I picked up Ensign Frederique Aubrey on the rebound. Freddy is a hot little number but no B'Elanna. Very conservative; this is okay. I mean, she is a Starfleet legacy like me and all that but no B'Elanna Torres. God, I miss her. _Crying_. End log, encode Paris Alpha Beta Six."

/

One month later, Tom Paris sat at Voyager's helm and watched the stars move by at warp three. The morning had started out with a typically boring staff briefing. Nothing was going on. Lieutenant Torres discussed warp coil upgrades and other engineering babble. The other section chiefs rendered data that only Tuvok would find interesting.

As with other staff meetings over the last month when she was there he did not look at her. As far as he was concerned, Torres no longer existed. _Sure_ _ **.**_ _Just ignore her. That always worked with others in my life._

The half-Klingon noticed immediately that Paris avoided any eye contact with her after their blowup. When he had to talk with her about business such as a helm control issue he looked at the deck or stared off into space. That situation grew so awkward that Instead of coming to see her personally he now sent messages via her PADD. He would not talk to her over the comm unless it was absolutely necessary. If so, he was always polite but curt. Typically it was no more than "I am sending the report you asked for, Lieutenant Torres."

As far as she was concerned that was just fine. The next few months would be awkward but they would both get over it. They might find others; Tom for sure. Maybe they could be friends again but she doubted it. _Who the hell needs Tom Paris anyway?_ The answer was always the same. _I do_.

B'Elanna had found solace in engineering by overworking herself and her crew. She also had Ensign Murphy to keep her company, a seemingly pleasant xenobiologist who liked her. Maybe that is why she reacted positively to his asking her to have a private drink with him just three weeks after breaking up with Tom. She needed to feel that she was pretty and wanted even though Tom had always let her know that. And she had to show Tom that she could get a man when she needed one. He got the message. Now he ignored her.

But she felt nothing for Murphy despite his plying her with flowers and dinners on the Holodeck. His overt attempts at seduction made B'Elanna laugh. He tried to kiss her several times already but his movements were juvenile and really turned her off. He was younger than her; intellectually bright but with nothing in common.

Despite appearing to be enjoying Sean's company she had only recently started sleeping in her bed once again. For weeks after she and Tom split she occupied her couch, the bed left unmade as it had been the last time she and Tom made love. His scent was everywhere on her sheets, her clothes, everything. The more she smelled him the more aroused she became. Now his aroma was fading away except when she passed him on the command deck or in a corridor. Her blood raged at his scent but she did nothing about it.

Tom seemed to be taking things in stride. He was much better than her at hiding pain. Then there was Ensign Frederique Aubrey the green-eyed molecular biologist with a fantastic body. But he really did not notice Freddy's physical qualities, which surprised even him. He just wanted to talk with a woman and not just his only male friend Harry Kim. And she was an excellent listener who seemed to get lost in his 'panty dropping eyes' as had so many women before. But there was no connection other than friendship and he made no move to seduce her or vice versa.

There was more going on with the chief helmsman that at first no one really noticed except Freddy. Tom had slowed down in his eating. He occasionally ate dinner with Aubrey on the Holodeck but mostly lived off of replicated pizza, tomato soup, and crackers in his quarters. When he ran out of credits he stopped eating in his room. Only then did he dare venture to the mess hall and only when Torres was not around. He always commed the computer first to make sure she wasn't. He lost weight and had to replicate a new uniform. His Holodeck workouts slackened and his piloting reaction time was reduced. Still he was far superior to anyone as a pilot. Or so he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 3

"Personal Log Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, Stardate 54023.7. So computer, I am just great. Never better. I have been hanging around with Freddy Aubrey as a friend and she is so nice. We share stories about Starfleet and have really hit it off. Sort of. I mean I do not dream about her, only about a certain engineer. But she has her Sean now. They really seem to be together a lot. It won't be so bad. I have avoided Torres for weeks now and can do this for as long as I have to do it. Lots of Jefferies tubes to crawl around in. _Pause_. Who the hell am I kidding? B'Elanna, I miss you so much. I can't stand it. Computer, just end this thing. Encode Paris Alpha Beta Six."

"Personal log Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres Stardate 54024.4. I never should have started seeing Murphy. He is too young and too aggressive for me. He is becoming pushier all the time and really trying hard to seduce me. I don't want that at all. I needed male conversation, not this. But I will never get back with Tom. I never see him anymore except at staff meetings and it is like I am not even there. So ice cold. He has Aubrey and they have a lot in common. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life aboard this Starship. There is no one but Tom. No one. End log, encode Torres Omega Micron Three."

/

After six weeks apart from B'Elanna, Paris's love for Torres had not waned. Her love for him remained as strong as ever. But neither one was ready to reconcile just yet.

What began to happen to them weeks after they separated was a combination of their deep feelings for each other and simple biology. Paris's body began to physically ache with an overpowering yearning for her that he had not experienced since Sakari IV nearly four years ago. He dreamed about her at night and thought about her during the day. Self-relief did nothing to ease his pain or his desire for her.

B'Elanna also dreamed of Tom and missed his touch. Her body also ached for him. She wondered where he was and what he and Aubrey were doing together. Something was not quite right to his being so close and yet so far away. She could feel her blood rise whenever she thought of him and took more than her share of cold showers and sought self-relief. One day she passed him in the corridor on Deck 3 and caught his scent. She went crazy and nearly jumped him. Nothing worked to ease her frustration.

/

At the beginning of week seven since breaking up Tom had enough and went to engineering to beg forgiveness. After all, he had as much to do with the current situation as she did so he would take the higher ground and man up.

Entering engineering with a single, Tarktanian red rose in hand, Paris looked for B'Elanna who was not in the main work area. He searched the numerous engineering decks to no avail. A number of her crew saw him and averted their eyes by staring into their PADD's. Something was going on.

He could have used the computer to find her but thought better of it. Thinking that B'Elanna might be in a Jefferies tube, he went back to main engineering and asked Lieutenant Joe Carey where she was. Carey stared at him then indicated with his head that Torres was in her office.

"Tom, I don't think you should…." Tom looked at him quizzically and then rounded the corner. The office door opened. There was Sean Murphy standing between the legs of his former lover who was leaning back on her desk with her hands gripping his shoulders. They were in uniform but the scene was obviously sexual from his viewpoint.

Paris's mouth opened and his heart sank. He turned around and quickly ran from engineering absolutely despondent and holding back tears. He dropped the flower onto the floor as he left. Carey winced.

B'Elanna had not heard her office door open or seen Tom. And Paris did not hear her say, "Back off Ensign or I will castrate you right now!" Murphy decided to comply. There was plenty of time on Voyager to conquer her.

After Murphy left, B'Elanna composed herself and straightened her uniform and hair. She got up and walked out of her office as if nothing had happened although the image of Murphy leering at her remained. She was more than angry.

As she walked over to check an inertial guidance panel her eye caught a red object on the floor. There was the Tarktanian rose; Murphy had apparently stepped on it on the way out. Bending over, she carefully picked it up and caught two scents, the wonderful smell of her favorite flower and her mate Tom Paris. She smiled as her eyes began to tear up.

/

Now two full months into the Paris/Torres breakup, Commander Chakotay sat in the command chair and accessed his PADD. Alpha shift was in full swing with nothing of importance happening. _Another lovely day in the Delta Quadrant_.

The ship's social atmosphere was still not quite normal. He recalled the unabated tension at staff meetings between Paris and Torres who obviously avoided each other. If Torres came on the bridge, the place immediately turned ice cold if Tom was there. They had apparently moved on despite numerous intervention attempts by himself, Harry Kim, Captain Janeway, and even Tuvok to get them back together.

Long range sensors were picking up the normal subspace debris but Lieutenant Tom Paris easily avoided it as he worked the helm controls like a skilled pianist. He played the piano both for relaxation and helm practice. But he also played to serenade B'Elanna privately when Chez Sandrine's was closed. That memory of her joy and their kisses brought a smile to his lips. Then he thought about B'Elanna and Murphy on her desk in her office. He became angry.

The pent up resentment within him momentarily broke his concentration ever so slightly, something that had never happened to him when flying Voyager. The normally sharp pilot was under so much emotional stress that he now miscalculated what should have been a routine incident.

Two large asteroids collided within short range sensors and broke apart. The pieces were large and easily avoidable if the shields had been up. But they weren't operational due to maintenance. Two chunks of rock were each about the size of a shuttlecraft and came at Voyager at two different angles at warp speed.

Tom saw them in time. Normally he would have bypassed them as if nothing had happened. But now he hesitated but for an instant. When he decided which way to move the ship at warp three it was a jerky reaction instead of his typically smooth maneuvering.

Voyager responded but the inertial dampeners could not keep up with the maneuver. Crewmen went flying within the 700 rooms, fifteen decks, numerous latrines, the mess hall, and corridors as one object struck the hull. Injury and damage reports soon flooded the tactical comms but thankfully no one was killed.

The collision claxon sounded immediately. Captain Janeway stumbled from the conference room onto the bridge. "Chakotay report. What the hell just happened?"

"We've hit an object, Captain, probably a large chunk of asteroid. Tom? Tom!"

Paris did not respond. His mind churned over what had just happened. He held up his hands and stared at them. He was shaking terribly. Thoughts of Caldik Prime years ago flooded his mind. _Are these my hands? Can I fly anymore? What do I do? What is wrong with me?_

Janeway pushed Paris aside and took over the helm. She dropped the ship into impulse drive and then a full stop. Spinning Paris's chair around, Captain Janeway could not believe what she saw. Here was a frightened officer who was ghostly white and shaking despondently. He had made a serious error. He might have killed people. He was shocked.

 _Oh God!_ Janeway motioned to Chakotay who came over and helped Tom out of his seat. Paris struggled a bit but then stood up. The Commander could not believe that he was feeling more bones than muscle through Tom's uniform.

"Ensign Baytart, take over the helm," Janeway ordered.

"Yes, Ma'am." Ensign Pablo Baytart assumed the helm controls.

"Mr. Paris, come with me," said his Captain. "Chakotay, help Tom."

The three entered the turbolift together and headed for Deck Five and Sickbay. Tom vomited on Chakotay as he held him up.

Operations officer Harry Kim stared in disbelief. He wanted to go to B'Elanna and tell her what happened but he was on duty. He settled instead for sending a PADD message to her in engineering.

/

Just before the collision, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres was running a level two diagnostic in engineering. She had also lost weight which helped her to contort her body to access a normally tight console panel. She was using a hyperspanner to adjust the field flow to several conduit links. As she made the adjustments, she suddenly felt two arms go around her waist after gently patting her rump. _Tom! He came back to make up!_

She carefully extracted herself, turned, and smiled only to see Ensign Sean Murphy grinning at her. He gave her an unwanted kiss on her cheek. "Hi beautiful! Thought I would drop by and see if you were up for lunch today."

The entire engineering staff just witnessed Ensign Murphy groping their chief and a superior officer to boot. But they averted their eyes and awaited the inevitable medical emergency where Murphy would have his nose or jaw broken.

B'Elanna was furious but surprisingly did not strike out. "Take your hands off me, Ensign. This is not the time or the place." If it was Tom, there would not have been any problem because it was always the time and the place. But this was not Tom. And she did not mean to say what she did quite that way because Murphy took it as encouragement.

"Sure, Lieutenant," he purred. "Just name when and where. Maybe Holodeck 2, tonight? Or perhaps my quarters?" His smirk was as broad as it was uninviting.

Before she could respond the collision occurred and the claxon sounded. Engineers went flying and B'Elanna was flung forward into Sean's arms. They collapsed together and slid across the deck into a work station with B'Elanna on top. Although they were okay, Murphy took the opportunity to push Torres upwards and feel her breasts. _Nice and firm._ "Hey, are you okay? Good thing I was here to catch you when you fell." The innuendo was obvious.

B'Elanna was not amused. "Pig! How dare you touch me like that! I should put you on report!"

Murphy feigned that he was offended and held up his hands. "So oink, oink. Look, B'Elanna, you fell on me and I pushed you off. That's all it was." From the more than obvious stirring in his uniform, however, she knew it was not true. But she could not prove it.

The chief engineer got up and began barking orders for her crew to assess the damage. "You better leave. I have work to do here."

"Dinner?" He grabbed her by the arm and spun her around so she could see his determined face.

B'Elanna had to get rid of him. "Fine, fine. Let me know when. Now leave me alone." He spun away and strutted out with thoughts of yet another romantic dinner with one very exotic woman. And he also dreamed a bit about what that might bring after months of trying.

Torres accessed the operations report on her PADD. The ship was at an emergency stop and an away team was examining the hull. There definitely had been a collision with a large object at warp three but so far there was no detectable damage other than a large repairable scrape.

 _Who the hell was flying this thing?_ B'Elanna read Kim's report and personal message to her and could not believe it. Tom Paris! _He's been relieved at the helm and taken to Sickbay._ _I must go to him._ Engineering was under control. No reported damage and her crew was okay less some bumps and bruises. She left like a launched Photon torpedo.


	4. Chapter 4

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 4

The EMH scowled as he waved his tricorder over a sedated Tom Paris who was asleep on a biobed. Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay were standing nearby.

"I think both of you should step into my office." His tone was not its typical puffery. The doctor was serious. Janeway and Chakotay followed and looked at the EMH who began his report. "Captain, Commander, Mr. Paris is no longer fit to fly."

"What?" Janeway blinked. Chakotay looked dumbfounded.

Head shaking was all that the doctor could muster to indicate his displeasure. "Currently he could not pass flying a kite let alone a Starship. Physically he is deteriorating at a rapid rate. He has lost over one third of his body weight. Lack of sleep, food, and water are the main causes. He has dropped muscle mass and the tests I did on his reflexes show he is well below piloting safety margins. I cannot keep him on flight status for that reason alone." He then added a somber note. "But there is more."

 _There always is with Tom Paris._ Janeway looked very concerned. Her chief pilot could no longer fly. What was that going to do to him? Their ability to get home? Training other pilots? Given that he had also broken up with Torres, this was devastating news. "What else?"

"Captain, I am not a clinical psychiatrist and there is so much we do not know about the human brain and how it handles trauma." The doctor walked around sickbay as he examined his tricorder. "But I can tell you that Mr. Paris is depressed, very depressed. And it is deepening. That would seem normal given what happened in his personal life two months ago. But when I ran his current brain scans versus his most recent flight physical he has slipped tremendously. He has the reactions of someone twice his age or more."

Now Janeway was really worried. "Will he hurt himself, I mean, is he going to….?"

The EMH looked at her. "I don't know. He needs help and support. I suppose he can get that from Ensign Aubrey given how she has latched onto him, at least from what I have observed." He smiled then spoke. "But I don't think so."

That was good news in that Tom was not suicidal. Janeway had her arms folded and was now very curious. Chakotay was leaning over a desk. Still, the doctor was getting at something.

"Why not?" She knew by asking that things were about to get very complicated.

"Captain, I think you and the Commander should sit down." They took their seats and waited in anticipation for what was coming.

The doctor assumed his usual pose with his hands behind his back. "Before I answer I need your permission. As of now, you, I, and Mr. Paris as the medical technician are the only officers on Voyager who can access every medical file. We need to block him immediately because what he will see there would cause him to be alarmed and that is not what he needs at the moment."

He paused. She nodded. "Okay. Do it."

The doctor accessed a computer to lock out Paris and then walked around a bit. He then turned to face Voyager's most senior officers. "So how can I explain this? Mr. Paris's condition has to do with mating. Klingon mating."

"Klingon mating?" Both Janeway and Chakotay looked blankly at each other.

"Yes. Lieutenant Paris being with his mate Lieutenant Torres meant his hormone levels were let us say 'peaked' all the time. I attribute that to his physical attraction and obvious love for her. And of course the overwhelming sex drive between them, given how often he has had to visit sickbay for broken bones, skin abrasions, bite marks, bruised ribs, pain stick burns, a raked back…."

Chakotay rolled his eyes. Janeway smirked. "We get the picture, doctor. We all understand the birds and the bees."

Interesting images and ideas floated across the doctor's memory subroutines. "I suppose you do. Now they no longer are together so sex with each other is out of the question. And I doubt he or she is having sex. His hormone level has dropped dangerously low and his brain activity is slowing. Both conditions have affected his reaction time. I have not had a chance to fully evaluate Lieutenant Torres but she seems to be less affected, as of now. But she also has lost weight and seems a bit listless at work from the engineering reports. She also is not sleeping well."

"What about her sex drive with Murphy? And Paris with Aubrey? Won't that help?" Chakotay knew the answers before he asked the questions.

The doctor mulled it over. "I doubt it seriously. Lieutenants Paris and Torres are mated for life. They are not having sex with each other or anyone else."

Janeway found the Klingon mating opinion to be odd. There were a lot of celibate crew members on Voyager and many others who were not. She glanced at her first officer and her mind wandered a bit.

Her head cleared and she looked at the doctor once more. "Is there anything you can do medically? Or should we just order Lieutenant Paris to have sex? I am sure there are many willing women aboard who would take him into their bed."

Paris had more than enough females who were interested in him. He pursued a few of them for kissing purposes until he fell hard for B'Elanna Torres years ago. But he had never slept with any of them, only B'Elanna.

The EMH rubbed his chin. "I can order medication to boost his hormones temporarily. But it won't last. His body is in decline at a much faster rate than I can compensate through hyposprays. What he really needs is…Lieutenant Torres."

Janeway laughed loudly. "Oh, come on doctor! People go through this kind of breakup thing all the time! No one can have that much effect upon someone."

The doctor glared. "Apparently she has. Please consider that these two are different because they mated on Sakari IV according to Klingon cultural norms. Without being too graphic, when she bit him several years ago during her _Pon Farr_ -induced Klingon blood fever she tasted his blood and gathered his scent. And it was willing on her part, not the blood fever alone. She had wanted him for a long time."

 _Really?_ "How do you know that?" Janeway thought the doctor was speculating.

Revealing private medical matters was unethical and against Starfleet regulations but in this case necessary. "Because she told me she was having strong intimate feelings for Mr. Paris. Several months before Sakari IV she came in complaining of lack of sleep, erotic dreams, and other issues of a sexual nature that required her to seek manual relief. My diagnosis then was that her problems were due to dreams she was having where other beings had entered her mind and implanted false memories. But their faces kept changing to her and Lieutenant Paris. Then after Sakari IV she came back again. I told her that what she had done to Lieutenant Paris needed to be reconciled. Every time I mentioned his name she glowed. She even growled a couple of times. There is no doubt. She wanted him and not because of her blood fever. She was in love with him but would not admit it."

Chakotay laughed. "I knew it! I have known B'Elanna for a long time and I knew it."

The doctor nodded. "But this is very important, Commander. That bite also injected her saliva into Lieutenant Paris' blood stream. Saliva has DNA. That caused some physiological and psychological changes within him that were very subtle but enough to show up on his next flight physical."

He continued. "He would have purged it eventually if he had not wanted her. But he did want her. He must have had deep feelings for her already and I would venture to say he was in love with her when it happened. He still has her bite mark faintly displayed on his chin to prove it."

Chakotay was not convinced about Paris who he had never liked until recently. "When we came back from Sakari IV you had Kes do a complete check of Tom to make sure B'Elanna had not passed the _Pon Farr_ onto him. You reported no symptoms, nothing. What changed?"

The EMH was now looking at that report and mumbling. "Her saliva took a while to imbed itself into his physiology because the quantity was small. But it was very potent. He might have rejected it if he had fought it off like a cold. But he let it happen because he wanted her. He still does."

Janeway was trying to take it all in. She had a scraped ship and a psychologically damaged pilot. And an engineering chief who had mated with that pilot and who knows what was happening physically and emotionally to her now or in the future.

Janeway looked up. "Okay, so they bonded doctor? Is that it?"

He shook his head. "Yes and no."

Janeway was growing impatient. "Damn it doctor, this is getting very confusing. Can you just get to the point?"

The doctor related. "They mated, not bonded. Given who and what they are emotionally with what I have deduced is a lot of personal baggage, it took a while for them to come to grips with just being mated. But once they did we all saw what happened in their relationship. It took off at warp speed. I may be a hologram but my subroutines understand relationships better now and I have experienced one myself." He did not mention that he also was in lust with Seven-of-Nine to include creating Hologram programs where he was an artist and she a naked model.

Chakotay nodded. He was now following most of what the doctor was saying but not all of it. "So if they mated why did they break up? Klingons mate forever and are monogamous. Tom has not looked at anyone else but Torres in years. She obviously loves him. Yet from what I heard it was quite the scene in the mess hall."

Here the doctor needed to be direct. "B'Elanna is only half Klingon. Recall that when she was put back together after the Vidiian prison her reconstructed self was built upon transplanted Klingon DNA being transposed onto her human self. She used to be the other way around at birth or slightly more Klingon than human. So she now is more human than Klingon psychologically. But she has also embraced more of her Klingon side now to achieve balance and emotional control. Yes it is complicated but according to her Klingon mating practices they never actually bonded. They never made it _real_. I mean they never…."

"Got married." Janeway understood.

"Yes, Captain! If they had both been Klingons marriage would have happened soon after she bit him. She would have claimed him by ritual proclamation and he would have said the words back to claim her. Then they would have consummated that claim by copulation. Then their mating would have bonded. Solidified. They would have truly become one. But right now they simply cohabitate as a couple and of course have sex. Wild and intense sex." His computerized brain wandered to the former Borg. He smirked.

"Doctor, I said we get the picture!"

"Umm, yes. Well, being married is a bond that is different than living together for Klingons and many humans, as far as I can tell. It is also perhaps involves having children raised by two committed parents."

 _Was B'Elanna pregnant?_ Janeway was stunned.

The EMH read her facial expression. "No, Captain, she is not with child. She and Mr. Paris are both current on their prevention medication."

 _Well, we have that going for us anyway._ Janeway then recalled her own life and past relationships. Marriage was a scary proposition for many people.

So since B'Elanna talked to you about her feelings for Tom can you figure out why they have not married? I do not pry into such things. Once their relationship became public I assumed that we all surmised that they would marry at some point."

The EMH placed his tricorder onto a table. "Now I am speculating. Something held them back that I cannot explain. But Lieutenant Paris is taking the worst of it. The mating drive to bond did not take over in both of them. But it could be that it just hasn't happened yet because they are who they are."

"Yet?" Janeway looked a bit irked.

The doctor paused briefly and then spoke. "I am no psychiatrist. There is a strong attraction and deep love between them but some humans and even a half-Klingon can be afraid of taking that final step. So they just live together. If they married they would be allowing the other person to have control over them. And like any couple there would be good days and bad. But I doubt that these two would divorce. Their feelings for each other go far beyond even the most adoring humans, at least to me."

Voyager's captain was at a loss for words. _Now I have to get involved in personal relationships?_ So just what is your diagnosis, doctor?"

"Captain, I am making another educated guess here so do not take it as fact. Remember they have been living together nearly three years now although they tried to hide it for a while. Until they got caught more than once in compromising positions around Voyager, as you recall." He sighed.

He then walked around. "I suspect that what drove this romantic tragedy was that one of them concluded it was time to move forward and bond permanently by getting married. And the other one for some reason was not ready or possibly unwilling. So they broke up. I suspect their argument was only a symptom of unwillingness to permanently bond. Marriage or in this case not being married is the root cause of their breakup."

Janeway's irritation showed and Chakotay smirked. "Look doctor, marriage is not some sort of fairytale happy ending story. It takes a lot of hard work once the bloom is off the rose and a lot of couples fail even with that effort." She knew.

Chakotay added, "How does their being married or not make any difference regarding what is happening to Tom?"

The doctor smirked. "I do not know enough about Klingon mating practices to say for sure. But I do know this. Lieutenant Torres rejected her mate. That is why it has had a tremendous effect upon him more than her. If he had rejected her, she would be laying on that biobed, not him. But there is no guarantee that she will not begin to intensely feel what he is going through. I think she is already sensing something is not right with her. As I said she has lost weight and at times appears listless."

"So what do we do with Tom?" _What can be done for a love sick officer?_

The EMH scratched his head. "Nothing medically that I know of other than hormone hyposprays, which I said is only temporary. I suppose you could talk to Lieutenant Torres about trying to get them back together but knowing her stubbornness I doubt she will do it. From what I heard she thinks he drove her to this decision. And he won't do it because he thinks she wants it this way. And they have other companions now. They really need to work this out among themselves."

He exhaled. "In the meantime, I am medically relieving Lieutenant Paris of all flight responsibilities less simulator activities. I have no choice."

"Do what you must." _This is bad, real bad._ The Captain and Commander turned to walk out but the doctor stopped them.

"Umm, Captain, there is one other way."

Another way? Janeway looked hopeful. "And what would that be?"

"If one of them was to die the mating drive to bond would end naturally. I am not suggesting that you send one of them on an impossible mission but the Delta Quadrant is very lethal. Look at how many times Mr. Paris has cheated death. The survivor would grieve and…." He stopped when he saw the pained looks on the two senior officers. Janeway was horrified.

"Never mind."

/

Lieutenant Torres ran from the turbolift on Deck 5 and followed the familiar path to Sickbay. How many times had she gone there to find Tom either dying or seriously injured? And he had been there for her under similar circumstances. _Perhaps it is time to patch this up despite the fact that he caused this not me. He can be so infuriating. Why do I ache so much? I can't think straight. I love him._

Suddenly she stopped dead in her tracks. Standing outside the Sickbay door was the very beautiful Ensign Frederique Aubrey. She was accessing her PADD and looking very concerned.

B'Elanna growled and balled her hands into fists. She wanted to break the woman's nose. Instead she bit her lower lip and ran back to the turbolift with her eyes filling with tears.

She did not notice that Freddy Aubrey saw her and nodded her head knowingly.


	5. Chapter 5

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 5

"Personal Log Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, Stardate 54416.7. B'Elanna. Where are you?" _Long pause for over ten minutes._ "Computer shutting down recording due to voice inactivity. Encoding per user protocols."

/

Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres sat on her bed in her red nightgown sipping a light beer. The gown was Tom's gift to her on their second anniversary of being a couple. Somehow it made her feel safe.

"Computer, locate Lieutenant Paris."

"Lieutenant Paris is on Holodeck One."

"Computer, locate Ensign Aubrey."

"Ensign Aubrey is on Holodeck One."

Torres let out a loud primordial growl and hurled her PADD against the bedroom door in her quarters. That was followed by a flower vase, a chair, her Starfleet uniform tunic, a water glass, and the now empty beer bottle. She grabbed Toby the Targ next and was about to fling him as well but held up and hugged the stuffed animal to her rapidly beating chest.

It had now been just over four months since Paris and Torres had broken up. Time and reflection should have healed some of the emotional wounds but they had only deepened in both of them. She had already concluded that breaking up was a big mistake. She ached for him. She had erotic dreams about him. Engineering had become a nightmare, a place where her concentration occasionally waned and simple mistakes seemed to multiply. She often blew up for no reason but quickly apologized.

 _Tom._ They had been through so much together and their future had been bright. Marriage, children, and a family were forthcoming. She loved him. But now he had her. That woman. Her blood boiled despite hours of meditation that had allowed her to control her volatile temper more often than not.

To B'Elanna, her reactions to Tom and Aubrey had nothing to do with them, for she instinctively knew there was nothing going on sexually between them. It was about what had happened to cause the breakup in the first place. Moments before her latest outburst she had once again replayed in her mind the events that caused her to end it with Paris and why he was willing to accept it. After deep reflection, she finally understood what had actually happened.

It wasn't about compatibility or sex. They were very compatible, two people who had been damaged by life but had found each other. The sex was wonderful, creative, and enthusiastic every time.

It wasn't just about his refusal to let her in. He had done that for years but had opened up to her over time.

It had to do with a nagging feeling that she wanted more from their relationship. She had felt it for months before the breakup.

To be blunt, she wanted him to pop the question. But she did not know how to get him to do it. And he never asked her, believing their relationship to be just great as it was. Or maybe he was scared she would say no. She wouldn't but he did not know that.

When she tried to indirectly broach the subject he always seemed to have other priorities. Obsessions such as ALICE and Holodeck programs occasionally made her less important. He began to miss dates but always made it up to her.

She felt loved but also unappreciated. Was Tom really serious about her or was she just a woman he had fun with? She wanted to be more than a bed pal. He didn't offer it.

When he did not pick up on her vibes she believed him to be less interested than was actually the case. Her long-buried insecurities about being abandoned arose once again. Those feelings and their heated argument caused her to push him away like the old days, this time to reevaluate their relationship. But this situation had gone much further than she wanted and now they were finished.

When she was showering after work today B'Elanna had surprised herself by admitting out loud that she wanted marriage. She pounded a fist on the shower wall until her hand bled. Lieutenant Kristine Fernandez next door heard the thumping but ignored it. Fernandez was more than used to the engineering chief throwing objects when she and Tom were intimate. It did not occur to her that Tom Paris was not in B'Elanna's quarters.

Torres also knew it had been an error in judgment to tell Tom that she wanted space at a time when he was emotionally spent. She should have waited until he calmed down. She could then have found the right time to discuss marriage. But if she mentioned a proposal first she was taking the lead. Tom would react one way or another but most likely in a negative fashion due to a serious blow to his ego.

So she had pushed him too hard about the memorial. And he ran straight into the arms of Ensign Aubrey. Of course he had only done that once she went for a drink with Science Officer Ensign Sean Murphy. That decision and a message she later sent to Murphy had led to what was now unwanted dating. _That was so stupid_.

Then it occurred to her what she would have done if Tom wanted to back away for a while. "Ripped his arms off, probably," she said out loud. She smirked. He would have fought her tooth and nail if she tried. Yeah! _Growl_.

B'Elanna was now certain that they broke up because what they had fought over was due to her increasing desire to become Tom's wife. And Tom was not ready to marry her and probably would never be. She cried herself to sleep, which she had not done since childhood on Kessik IV.

/

Two days later, a dapper and smarmy Sean Murphy was about to pick up Torres once again for dinner. She waited for him unemotionally in her now clean quarters, smoothing her white and rose dress and putting her sandals on her feet. She was going over how she would end this.

The door chime rang. B'Elanna mumbled, "Enter!" In waltzed Sean Murphy, violets in hand as usual and a big grin on his face that she did not return.

"Hey, B'Elanna, don't you look marvelous?" He was wearing a green flowing shirt and black pants. "These are for you." He casually tossed her the flowers, which she immediately dropped onto the deck. "How do you like my outfit? I replicated it just for you." He turned around so she could admire him.

"It looks nice, Ens…Sean." _Oh, brother_.

Sean glanced around her living area. "Umm, B'Elanna, I was thinking that instead of going to Holodeck 2 tonight we could have dinner here. I have a lot of replicator credits so we can splurge on something spicy. How about it?" He smiled.

Torres's inner Klingon went on high alert. She had known right from the beginning that this guy only wanted to get into her panties for hot Klingon sex. And he had been trying unsuccessfully for months now.

And she was still not about to give it up for him or anybody but Tom Paris.

No longer was she the Maquis who occasionally traded sex for comfort. Torres was about to turn twenty-eight and she had matured far beyond her years. She held important temporary Starfleet rank as a senior officer. Her chief engineer responsibilities made her a valued member of the crew. And there had been the strength and support from Tom. He encouraged her to embrace both halves of her personality that in turn made her the woman she had become. She missed him terribly and rarely saw him since he no longer came to staff meetings. Even on a ship as small as Voyager, he had succeeded in avoiding her most of the time.

B'Elanna had allowed Murphy to date her because she had noticed him five years before. She needed a male friend to talk with other than Harry Kim, Chakotay, or Tuvok. She let him stroke her ego a bit and make her pretend that everything was wonderful. But that was all.

Then he turned creepy. His frequent appearances in engineering were motivated by a chance to try and touch her intimately or kiss her cheek. He stood in the corridor outside her office door to protect her from an allegedly revengeful Tom. He made sure that they ate together as often as possible. They hung out at Sandrine's so he could show her off even though Paris was never there anymore.

Seven-of-Nine in her human sexuality study found Murphy to be very possessive and insecure. She warned B'Elanna who already sensed it.

Now after having dated Torres for months Murphy had grown cocky. And she knew that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. The question was How to get rid of him since they would still be on the same ship for decades?

B'Elanna finally shook her head and answered Murphy's dinner suggestion. "I don't think that is a good idea, Sean. Look, we have a nice Holodeck program set up that you worked on for several weeks now just for me, correct?" She looked at him with nothing but contempt.

He scratched his head and looked at the carpeted deck. "Yeah, well, to tell you the truth, Bea, I have been really busy and I could not get the subroutines to work correctly. We could use a default program for tonight, I suppose. But I really would like to have dinner here with you. I'm very, ah, hungry." He put on his best charm, looked up, and smiled.

She could see through him like a hull breach. Then she felt her blood rise. _What did he call me?_

"Don't you ever call me Bea again!" Her statement came out harshly and her eyes narrowed. Only two people had ever called her Bea, her father John Torres and Tom Paris.

"Whatever you say, ah, Lieutenant Torres." He smirked.

 _This guy has got to go. I can't deal with him tonight_. "Look, Sean, I'm really not feeling well and I should probably get some sleep. Let's reschedule dinner when you get the program to work. I also need to use a headache hypospray." She was really getting irritated with him. _We need to end this dating business so I can move on. How?_

Sean grinned. _The old I have a headache routine_. _That really means she wants it._

Sean regarded B'Elanna's firm ass and muscular shapely legs as he watched her go through her bedroom and into the bathroom. She closed the door and locked it. He followed and stopped at her bed. There he spied Toby the Targ. _A stuffed doll? Are you kidding me?_

Then he saw what he did not expect. On her nightstand was a dried and crushed Tarktanian red rose next to a holopicture of Tom and B'Elanna taken on some M-class planet's beach. They were holding each other and smiling with the sun setting behind them. And she had kissed it recently; her lipstick outline was obviously on it. That aroused him.

The rose had to go. He picked it up but missed seeing the thorns, one of which pricked his finger. "Yeow!" Dropping it as he sucked his wound, he grabbed the picture and promptly moved toward the room's disposal unit.

B'Elanna had just returned to the bedroom and saw him snatch her picture. "Just what the hell are you doing in here? Give me that!"

Sean saw his opening. "You'll have to fight me for it, sweetie. I was on the Starfleet Academy wrestling team for four years. I have some submission holds that will make you scream." He held the picture in the air over his head.

Her reaction was not what he anticipated. "You pig! PetaQ'! You give me that picture, Ensign, or you will really regret it!" She was furious and getting madder by the moment.

Sean had never seen an angry Klingon, even a half-Klingon, and she was not even warmed up yet. Where Tom would have stood up to her Sean backed away.

"Umm, pulling rank, Lieutenant? Threatening me? Look, you have been coming on to me for months now after you sent that note to meet you in engineering, what, a couple weeks after breaking up with that prima donna helmboy? I just think it's time that we move forward since you dumped him. Don't worry. You'll enjoy it and I know I will."

 _I've been coming on to him? What the hell is he thinking?_ B'Elanna was about to explode and not just over what he had said about Tom. If this had been Tom he could diffuse her anger. But as she had admitted earlier, Sean Murphy was no Tom Paris. _I wish Tom was here but he knows I can handle this jerk._

"Give me that picture and get out. Don't come back. I do not want to see you again, period."

Murphy thumped his chest and feigned shock. "What? You are so breaking my heart! That's two guys in a row now you have dumped. I'm not leaving."

Her rage boiled over. "I said, GET OUT! And that is an order, Ensign. Get out of my quarters right now and give me that picture or…." Then she growled.

The low guttural snarl caused Murphy's blood to freeze. He stared. _So this is what a Klingon does when she is mad? She growls! I can handle her._

He mistakenly decided to egg her on. "Or what B'Elanna? You're going to do something?" He threw the picture against the bulkhead, breaking it. He then walked slowly towards her with a look she had seen before on other men.

/

"Tom, would you like some more wine?"

The response came slowly and softly. "No, thanks, B'Ella, I still have a full glass."

Ensign Aubrey put the wine bottle down and looked at the disheartened man who sat across the table from her. For the sixth time in ten minutes he had called her B'Ella. He had not even noticed. Her green eyes tried to lock onto his blue ones but he was staring downward at his plate of untouched food while playing with his fork.

Tom Paris was a physical and emotional wreck. Over four months without B'Elanna Torres and knowing that petaQ Murphy drooled over her had taken its toll. His being relieved of flight duty compounded the issue. He was a broken man.

Counseling with the EMH had solved nothing. It was like talking to a wall. Heart-to-hearts with Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay also had no effect. Tuvok recommended meditation but what Tom really needed was his mate B'Elanna. Even Harry Kim could not get through to him and they seldom hung out together anymore.

Tom was averaging two hours sleep a night, if that much. His eyes sunk in his head and remained red from periodic crying. He did not go to the mess hall or Sandrine's to avoid seeing B'Elanna. He spent his off duty time in a Holodeck or his quarters when not working in Sickbay. The lack of food and stress caused him to lose so much weight that he could feel his ribs. He was now on his third uniform size and that one he wore draped over him like a shroud.

He looked like an old man instead of his thirty years with a birthday approaching. Yet he was still a professional officer and his broken heart and crushed spirit had not affected that yet. The EMH had relegated him to basic medical duties consisting of routine physicals and sanitizing instruments. He performed his menial tasks without complaint. Surprisingly he had also avoided consuming alcohol, something he would not have done in the pre-Torres era.

As with almost everyone aboard ship, B'Elanna included, Tom knew Murphy to be an opportunistic scalp collector who had jumped at a chance to perhaps shag the exotic half-Klingon. Tom could not imagine that she had done it with him even after what he had seen in engineering although the rumors were flying. He trusted her too much.

He also knew from fighting alongside her on numerous occasions that she was a strong woman who could handle herself. He hoped it would not come to that. If need be, he would do whatever it took to protect her from Murphy. And he meant anything.

Over the months Freddy Aubrey had come to look upon Tom Paris with compassion and friendship. The stunning and perceptive twenty-nine-year-old woman had started going out with him knowing he was on the rebound and feeling sorry for himself.

She also understood she had as much chance of landing Paris as being in the Alpha quadrant tomorrow. He was hopelessly in love with B'Elanna Torres and to Freddy that was how it should be. What Tom wanted was a female friend to confide in, not another lover. If he desired more he might have fallen back on one of his previous girlfriends such as Megan Delaney. He hadn't.

Aubrey was also a damned good molecular biologist. But she had also double majored in psychiatry at Starfleet Academy. She had never been board certified and thus was not the ship's counselor.

Her expertise indicated that sitting before her was a man who scared her to death not in a threatening way but by what he had become. If eyes reflect the soul then Tom Paris was a classic example of being emotionally dead. He was more than hurt. He was gutted.

Freddy reached into her purse and took out a holocamera. She pointed it at Paris. "Tom, open your eyes. Look at me." He did. She took his picture. When he glanced down again, she brought the image up and zoomed in.

 _Oh my God!_ She knew Tom was bad. Now she was appalled as her viewer magnified the deep lines on his face and revealed the depth of his bloodshot eyes. The blue color was obviously there but outlined in red. And she had seen that look in other eyes before. It was the look of imminent death. There was no luster, no gleam, nothing but hollowness.

His deepening depression was so evident to her skilled eye. He was far below acceptable levels of mental stability for space travel let alone piloting. It was a wonder that he had not cracked up, a testimony to his strength of character and a self-destructive ability to isolate the hurt somewhere deep inside. But this pain was too much for even Tom Paris to bear. His overwhelming love for B'Elanna and the pull of his having accepted their mating years ago was so intense that it was slowly destroying him.

Freddy had no doubt that Paris was dying of a broken heart. He would physically or mentally collapse very soon and then waste away until death. She knew from experience that it would take only a few months at most. Only extreme mental intervention could save his life; reconciliation was not likely to do it anymore. She did not rule out that in his current state he was fully capable of beaming himself out into space and ending it. But she had to be sure.

As part of her clinical field work following her junior year at the Academy, Freddy had traveled to Bajor. There she learned of Bajoran religious rituals that exorcized demons, not the ones from hell but personal ones. Most cultures have such rituals or meditation and the Bajoran rite was a powerful one.

She had talked to Tom enough by now to know that his Klingon mating with B'Elanna was really eating at him. But past-life demons also tormented his psyche, which prevented him from getting the resolution he required. To get to that point he had to confront his past not only to survive but also to resurrect and move forward in his ruined but deep relationship with the chief of engineering. He had to actually bond with her. Freddy hoped that B'Elanna wanted the same thing.

But Freddy had to know if Tom was as far gone as she suspected. She had to act and fast.

"Tom?" Her voice was soothing.

No answer. Paris was far away; his mind scrutinizing B'Elanna's brown eyes as he touched her face tenderly with his hand and then kissed her forehead ridges.

"Tom, look at me." She tilted his chin upwards. He lifted his eyes once again as he heard a soft voice implore him to comply.

"What?" He suddenly returned to the here and now.

She locked eyes with his.

"Tom, what do you see?"

Tom thought that question to be a bit odd but he answered it nonetheless.

"I see a very beautiful woman with lovely green eyes."

She smiled. "Thanks." She appreciated the compliment but that was not what she was after.

Now the very important question. The one that would tell her if Tom had truly lost it.

"Who do you see, Tom?"

Paris looked and then looked again. He rubbed and focused his now tear-filled eyes, which soon overflowed down his cheeks. "B'Elanna! I see you! I need you! I love you! Oh my God, B'Ella! What have I done? I am so lost without you!" He broke down and put his head on the table.


	6. Chapter 6

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 6

Ensign Sean Murphy was strong and very quick. He feinted to his right, spun, and tackled B'Elanna Torres around her waist, throwing her upon the bed. He climbed on top of her, straddling her legs as he pressed his lips against hers. One hand ripped her dress top and the other slid between her thighs to probe her panties. His erection begged for release as he fumbled to undo his pants. _This is going to be so easy and so much fun!_

B'Elanna suddenly relaxed and did not fight him. "Oh Sean!," she cried. "Are you ready for Klingon love?" Her eyes were teasing and she licked her luscious lips with her tongue.

Sean was panting. He was so revved up. "Give it up, B'Elanna! I want you so much!"

She growled and easily flipped him over; straddling him while holding his hands above his head as her covered breasts hung centimeters above his mouth.

The sudden move surprised even the skilled wrestler. _Man, she is so strong and so hot. Paris must have had one hell of a time with her! Now it's my turn!_

Then with a smile on her face she let go of his hands. "Oh Sean, I have wanted to do this for so long!"

He beamed. "Yes! Do it, B'Elanna! DO ME RIGHT NOW!"

She glared. "Here it comes!" Months of pent up anger exploded as she took her balled up right fist and smashed it into his nose, breaking it instantly. That was followed by a second strike to his clavicle, cracking it. A third shot with both fists to his groin ended any thought of using that particular body part today or probably longer.

Sean screamed in agony as he doubled up. His blood spattered onto B'Elanna's bed sheets. She rolled off and pushed him onto the deck of her bedroom where he lay incapacitated and moaning. She calmly tapped her commbadge. "Torres to security. I have been attacked in my quarters."

Suddenly something else occurred. "Yellow alert. This is a drill. All personnel to their stations. Yellow alert. This is a drill."

By coincidence, Voyager's security chief Lieutenant Commander Tuvok had scheduled a quarterly yellow alert drill that went off just as B'Elanna made her announcement over the comm. A security team was thankfully nearby and ran to her quarters immediately accompanied by Commander Chakotay. All other personnel were scrambling up and down the turbolifts heading to their designated stations and jamming the corridors.

/

In the Holodeck, Ensign Aubrey confronted Tom Paris with his image.

Aubrey was insistent. "Lieutenant, you have to listen to me. I am not B'Elanna. I am Ensign Frederique Aubrey. You have to listen to me. Tom? Tom!"

He blinked. _A nice voice_. "Okay, Freddy. I hear you."

She held up his picture. "Who is this, Tom?"

He looked at his picture. "I don't know." Tom remembered aged street bums in Marseille that looked very similar.

Aubrey was stunned. That did it. "Tom, this is your picture. I just took it. You are not well, Tom. You need professional help. You need to listen to what I am saying. Do you understand me, Lieutenant Paris?"

"Yessssss." His response came out slowly and not convincingly. "Just leave me alone. I'm fine. Just fine."

Aubrey was not going to leave Tom Paris alone. She had to push him, exactly what he did not want from her or B'Elanna. "Tom, this is very important. Do you want to get back with B'Elanna? Do you really love her? Or are you just an idiot?"

 _What?_ _An idiot?_ No hesitation. "Yes, I want her! I love her!" She was all he wanted. Then a thought occurred to him. _All I want? What does B'Elanna want? I am so blind._

Freddy had heard enough to confirm that Tom at least desired his mate. "Okay. Now listen carefully. I am a trained psychiatrist, Tom."

"Humm? A what?" He sounded confused. She's a biology shrink?

The green-eyed ensign continued to push. "Tom, listen to me. I am going to recommend a radical Bajoran psychological treatment for you. Obviously Captain Janeway will have to be briefed and approve it, as well as the doctor. But if you do what I am going to tell you, you will have a very good chance of resolving your personal issues. You will be able to pursue a productive relationship with B'Elanna or any other woman. Frankly, if you don't do it, you will be dead in a matter of weeks. Two months at the most."

Tom perked up. _Dying?_ Without B'Elanna he might as well be deceased. He felt that way now, for he was dead inside. Piloting be damned. It was her that mattered.

"What does this involve? I'll do anything."

Aubrey talked plainly. "It is a Bajoran religious ritual. It consists of pre-ritual meditation, strong relaxants that you inhale, and mental techniques that allow you to confront yourself. This method is so potent that I would not recommend using it on anyone other than someone in your mental state who has serious unresolved issues with yourself and those you love. It can be very dangerous."

 _Issues? I have issues, yes, but I love B'Elanna._ "B'Ella? Are you still there?"

Aubrey bit her lower lip in frustration. "Tom, I am not B'Elanna! Listen to me! I know you need drastic intervention right now because I have watched you decline for months. Look at your holopicture. You love B'Elanna but you have so much pain and resistance to bonding with her that you cannot move ahead. She is your lifeline, Tom, your mate. But you must ask and answer your nagging questions. You must confront yourself."

Tom was even more confused. "Move ahead? Lifeline? Confront? Questions? What kind of questions?"

"Tom, trust me. It will become very clear what they are when you undergo the pre-ritual."

What did he have to lose? "Okay. I'll do it. When do we start?"

"As soon as I get permission from Captain Janeway and the EMH. This is very grave, Tom. You could turn psychotic but that is rare. You could also die during it. But most likely you will open your mind and come out of this far better off than you were before. I know, believe me."

Tom nodded. If it would help him to be able to interact with B'Elanna and truly open himself up to her it was worth it. He was dead anyway. He could not live without her and it was more than worth the risk.

"Yeah, okay."

/

Then Tom heard it. "Torres to security. I have been attacked in my quarters." That was followed by the yellow alert drill warning.

Tom's eyes shot wide open and he yelled. "B'Ella!" He got up, knocked the table over, and sprinted for the Holodeck door. His only thoughts were of her. He was fast but even Ensign Aubrey was amazed that he could move as he did in his depleted condition.

Running into the personnel-jammed corridor, Tom had to get from Deck Six to the officer's quarters on Deck Three. The turbolift was jammed with scurrying personnel so he moved to a Jefferies tube access panel. He could not find the proper key nearby so he forced it open through sheer adrenaline.

He dislocated two fingers on his right hand and gouged his left one when he did it. He did not care. Bleeding profusely, he shoved himself into the tube and wrapped a handkerchief around his wound.

Aubrey tried to follow him to no avail. Given the crazed look in Paris's eyes, Freddy commed security that Tom was not himself and was heading to Lieutenant Torres's quarters to protect her. She was careful how she worded that warning. If Tom was Phasered in his mental and physical state he could die regardless of the weapon's setting.

Crawling along like a wild animal inside one tube and then another, Paris left a trail of blood behind him. He eventually found a ladder and despite his injuries drove himself up it by sheer willpower. Three decks later he emerged exhausted in a parallel corridor near B'Elanna's quarters. Falling out of the tube onto the deck, he stood up, wobbled a bit, and then oriented himself. He turned and shoved crewmen aside in a panic to get to Torres while ignoring the burning pain in his hands as he ran to her.

When he reached her quarters the door was locked open. A security guard was standing on each side. Having been warned not to interfere, they looked at him, nodded, and said nothing. A bloodied Ensign Murphy was on a gurney being escorted first to sickbay and then the brig. _Good for you, B'Ella! The petaQ!_

 _My B'Elanna!_ Tom's eyes suddenly went mad with fear. Was she okay? He dared to glance inside.

There he saw an obviously distraught B'Elanna Torres sitting on her couch looking downward at the shattered holopicture in her right hand. Captain Janeway hugged her and whispered comforting words. Commander Chakotay was sitting next to both of them holding B'Elanna's left hand and trying to calm her down.

Something made Chakotay look up. He saw what appeared to be a skeleton in a uniform. _He looks like death!_

Tom was panting, bleeding, and obviously terrified. But his pose was what struck the ship's second-in-command. Paris was leaning through the doorway with his arms outstretched on either side looking as if he had been crucified.

Tom froze. _What should I do? She is rattled but okay. Thank God. She has them to be with her. I guess I should leave._ He started to turn away.

Chakotay figured it was now or never. Neither Janeway nor he had wanted to see Tom and B'Elanna split apart. They knew the two were good for each other so he took a chance.

"B'Elanna," he said, "Tom's here."

Torres looked up through watery eyes and saw Tom Paris, now a gaunt and desperate figure who was the love of her life. He was leaving but she did not hesitate. "Tom? Tom!" She dropped the picture and ran to him and leaped into his arms, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him furiously and passionately in the corridor. Startled crew members moved away and went about their business.

For a few minutes there was no one on Voyager but Tom and B'Elanna. He held her waist tightly and kissed her with equal passion as he stroked her hair and forehead ridges. "B'Ella, my beautiful B'Ella! My God I have missed you! I love you so much!"

He pulled back and looked at her watery brown eyes with his wet blue ones. "Are you okay? What the hell happened?"

"Tell you later. Hold me, Tom. Never let me go." _He is so skinny!_

"Yellow alert is cancelled. Return to normal routine. Yellow alert is canceled."

/

Several hours later and with his wounds healed, Tom sat in his quarters holding B'Elanna as they drank raktajino. He had eaten a full meal, his first in four months, although his system was not quite delighted when it once again encountered solid food. He was exhausted but happier than he could remember for a long time.

B'Elanna rarely cried but she had sobbed in his arms for three hours. He held her tightly and talked to her softly until she eventually calmed down. She had cried more for Tom than for her.

Her quarters were now a crime scene so she brought along some essentials to spend the night with Tom to include the red nightgown he had given her. He gallantly offered to sleep on the couch but B'Elanna would have none of it. They were going to bed together, as it had been and should be.

They now lay in bed clothes facing each other. For the first time in months they talked and kissed. They admitted that neither of them had sex with anyone and how miserable they had been. And they were stupid, yes.

But B'Elanna, not Tom, also knew with confidence what had caused the split to happen in the first place. But this was not the time to talk of marriage. She would wait. But not for long. Not anymore.

They both sat up when Tom indicated he had something important to say. _Is he finally going to ask me?_

Not quite. "B'Ella, listen to me. Our breakup was…appalling. I never want this to happen again. What I am going to say to you now will not be easy. But I want you to know that I love you no matter what and you have to trust me."

B'Elanna was biting her lower lip now and moved into his lap unwilling for him to stop holding her. "Okay, Tom. You know I do. What is this about?"

Tom looked into her brown eyes and melted. He wanted to never let her go. But he had to keep it together long enough to get this out. Their future depended upon it.

"Bea, no matter what we want now we cannot go back to our relationship, as it was. It's over."

B'Elanna's heart skipped a beat. _Is he dumping her for good? Kahless! So many times in her life. Now him._ She clutched at him even harder. "Please don't leave me, Tom! I can't take it anymore."

Tom was scared. It had not come out quite right. "No, Bea, I am not going to leave you. I will never leave you again. Never. As long as I am breathing." She relaxed a bit and sighed.

He was now very serious. "I am talking about that our issue, our argument, was a symptom of a bigger problem. I am reluctant to let you in."

She looked at him. _Yes! He almost gets it. It is more than that but here is progress._

"But I need to overcome that problem if we are to have…a life together."

 _A life together! That could mean anything._

"It is going to take some drastic mental intervention to get me to confront myself." He paused to take a breath. She kept looking into his eyes while hugging him close.

He hugged her back and continued. "I have just been cleared to undergo a Bajoran ritual that will cause me to look at myself as I really am, not what I think I am. When I come out of this, whatever is holding me back from letting you in should be purged."

Now B'Elanna knew that Klingon's had various meditative rituals about mental and emotional issues, as did Vulcans. She practiced a few of them herself to control her temper most of the time. The Vulcan techniques worked. But this Bajoran one was new to her.

"So Tom, what do you have to do exactly?" She was very concerned but could not resist playing with his hairy chest.

He was distracted but managed to get it out. "Well, I have to go into the bathroom here for twenty-four-hours, look into the mirror, and invoke a Bajoran spirit who will guide me through the process. There is a lot of work in preparation and I have to be alone. And, umm, I also have to be naked when I go through it."

She stopped what she was doing. "What? Did you say naked?

"Yes. The idea is to die symbolically and then be reborn. I strip away all barriers and enter into the ritual as I entered life, naked and dependent upon others for survival. In this case, it is me I must depend upon."

B'Elanna was skeptical. "Tom, is this for real?"

"Oh, it's for real alright. We have a non-licensed psychiatrist on board who is familiar with the practice. And the EMH is also aware of it, although he never witnessed it first-hand. Tuvok has also heard of it."

B'Elanna bit her lower lip. "Just who is this unlicensed shrink?"

Tom took a deep breath but she would find out anyway. "Ensign Aubrey."

B'Elanna glared at him. "I want to talk with her, Tom. _Now_."


	7. Chapter 7

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 7

Early the next morning Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres sat in Ensign Freddy Aubrey's quarters drinking coffee. She was surprised that the woman had no qualms about meeting on short notice to speak with her and was actually glad that she did.

Aubrey poured out some more coffee. "Lieutenant Torres, how are you feeling after the incident?"

"You mean after an attempted rape? How should I be feeling?" Angry thoughts flooded back about Murphy and also Steth and how he tricked and seduced her after taking over Tom's body. B'Elanna was in no mood to mince words especially with Ensign Aubrey.

Aubrey looked dejected. "I'm sorry. I was just asking. Sorry."

B'Elanna calmed down. She was right to ask about her welfare. There had been nothing sexual between her and Tom. "I'm sorry also. Call me B'Elanna for now since it's just us girls here. I've been assaulted before but I handled it. _Steth, that pig._ I doubt Murphy will try it again if he values his life." She managed a smile. _I'll break his neck._

Freddy agreed. "I doubt it too. He's in the brig right now and they have a restraining device inside of him so he can't come near you without tremendous pain and alarms going off. And if you don't kill him if he tries something again, Tom will. I never saw a man move that fast, out of the Holodeck I mean. When he heard your comm message he was like an enraged beast."

B'Elanna felt so very warm and loved. They drank some more coffee.

Torres asked Aubrey about Tom and his mental state.

Aubrey spoke almost solemnly. "B'Elanna, Tom is in serious trouble. He is ill mentally. Not crazy but deeply depressed."

Torres understood. She was upset also but clearly Tom was worse off than her.

"I need to explain what he is going to undertake today. It is called 'pagh Ih'tanu.' Literally it means 'soul ceremony.' Tom is going to explore his soul to find out what is holding him back from you when you want to get really close to him emotionally. Or perhaps even closer?"

The chief engineer considered that statement. "But I have been depressed also. And I also push him away at times. So why not me as well?"

Freddy looked at her. "Correction, you used to push him away like when you broke up. But you have recently resolved it. You now know what has been bothering you. He doesn't get it yet."

"How do you know that about me?" Torres was confused.

The situation had to be handled carefully. B'Elanna had yet to recover fully from her recent trauma. "I know a few things about Klingon mating rituals from my study and talking with Klingons. You mated with Tom in the past, didn't you?"

B'Elanna stared at her. "Yes. But again, how do you know? Was he baring his soul to you as well?" She was irritated.

The molecular biologist and psychiatrist looked at her. "It is obvious because he carries your bite mark. He could have erased it but he hasn't. He is yours and you are his. But not yet completely because you have not taken the key step and bonded. Tom told me that much. You have not spoken the ritual, either human or Klingon, and claimed each other."

She paused. "We all saw your relationship build over the years on Voyager. But now one of you is ready to bond. And we both know who that person is, don't we?"

The chief engineer smirked. Time to confess. "Yes, it's me." She blushed, which was not easy for her to do.

Aubrey grabbed the half-Klingon's arm. "Look B'Elanna. There is nothing here to be embarrassed about. That Tom is willing to go through this ritual as dangerous as it can be says that he is nearly there. But he needs to push himself to find himself. And he will be better because of it. And so will you and your relationship together."

"But how can you be so sure, Freddy? I mean, you said it's dangerous."

"Yes, it is. He could go insane or even die."

B'Elanna stared. "What do you mean?"

"He can go crazy or die if he is not strong enough. But I know he can do this successfully for two reasons. One is that the danger to Tom will be mitigated because of his deep-seated love for you. He told me a few weeks ago that he has been 'ass over applecart' in love with you since after the Vidiian prison experience. He knew it on Sakari IV. Do you know what he meant?"

B'Elanna giggled. "Of course!" Tom had told her that old Earth saying about an applecart many times. The Vidiian prison was where she began to develop feelings for him. And Sakari IV, well, they almost did it there. She had bit him and mated.

"You said there were two reasons, Freddy?"

She nodded. "The second is that I went through it myself seven years ago. It helped me face my own demons. I am not as strong as Tom is but I survived it."

B'Elanna was stunned. "You underwent the ritual? But why?"

Freddy's eyes started to well up with tears. "B'Elanna, when I was a plebe at Starfleet Academy eleven years ago I met John Anderson. He was also a plebe. We started dating and grew closer over time, much like you two. We fell in love by the end of second year. After graduation we got married." She paused as emotions flooded over her. But she could now face what she was about to reveal.

"Three weeks later we came back from our honeymoon in Tahiti. We found an apartment in San Francisco and started decorating. We wanted children and I got pregnant right away. But Johnny was soon sent out on a routine checkout flight of a small cruiser. He was the engineer. Something happened and the warp core breached near Rigel X."

B'Elanna's mouth opened. "I know about that ship. The USS _Ringgold_. Oh my God!"

Freddy was crying now. "John ejected the warp core but the ship lost atmosphere and had to be abandoned. There were no other ships nearby for three days. He like everyone else was in his EV suit floating in space for a day before he ran out of oxygen. He died alone in space, as they all did." The pain was still there but much less than before the ritual.

B'Elanna knew that feeling of dying in space. It had almost happened to her and Tom. When she declared her love for him nearly three years ago their spacesuits were running out of oxygen.

"And then I lost the baby. I wanted to die. I became suicidal."

B'Elanna did not know what to say but took Freddy's hand in hers.

"Johnny left a Holovid for me that he took while he was floating there. I have it here on my PADD." She composed herself. "I want to show you something from it."

B'Elanna was hesitant. "Look, this is so personal. I don't think…."

"No, no. You need to see it! It is really important so you know why Tom is doing this."

She pulled up two pictures, her deceased husband and Tom Paris. She zoomed in on both sets of eyes and placed them one on top of the other.

She held up her PADD. "B'Elanna, what do you see?"

Torres looked at the pictures. A set of hazel eyes. _Her husband, obviously_. A set of blue ones. _Tom._ Other than the color, they looked identical in what they showed. "What the…?"

Freddy choked it out. This was so hard even after the ritual had helped her to achieve closure. "The eyes on top are from my husband, as he spoke his last words to me. They are filled with love but also panic and impending death. The bottom ones are Tom Paris."

B'Elanna began to understand just as Freddy spoke again. "They look the same. B'Elanna, I took that picture of Tom yesterday on the Holodeck. Now you know why he is going to do this. He is dying."

The magnitude of what she said hit B'Elanna like a spanner thrown at warp speed. Her eyes flooded with tears. "Oh my God! My Tommy!"

"He has to do this, B'Elanna. Something is destroying him and the breakup accelerated it. For some reason, reconciling did not stop it. But it would have come to this eventually. Don't blame yourself."

B'Elanna's face was in her hands. She was shaking.

Freddy moved and put her arm around B'Elanna's shoulders. "The good news is that Tom wants to live for you. For him. He is resilient enough to get through it because he has you. You are his lifeline, B'Elanna." She paused to compose herself. "You are…his lifeline. Never forget that."

Of course she was. B'Elanna knew that for years. That is part of why she desperately wanted to comfort Tom months ago. He needed her as much as she needed him. It had taken her and him so long to admit it but they had come to embrace it. She never should have pushed him so hard.

Aubrey sighed. "This may sound trite but I have never seen a man love a woman as much as he loves you. You are so fortunate."

The tears ran down her cheeks now. "I had to bury my husband and my baby way too soon but you have Tom. And he is so special."

B'Elanna was overcome. She knew Tom was special. She did not tell him that enough. But once this was over he would never have any doubts again. Ever.

A now composed B'Elanna sat very still and spoke in a soft voice. "Thank you, Freddy. I know that was so hard to tell me." She added, "I am proud to call you friend."

"Thanks, that means a lot."

Freddy wiped her eyes with a tissue and blew her nose. "B'Elanna, when he goes through this please make sure you are doing your normal routine. Nothing different; nothing out of the ordinary. The ritual will take twenty-four-hours or less. He can come out of it at any time."

B'Elanna nodded.

"When it is over he will start doing things to prepare to meet you. He will then seek you out because he loves you. You will be like a homing beacon and he won't be denied. In my case I went to the cemetery first to just scream and cry at my husband's vault. I then went straight to my mother and sobbed for hours until I felt whole again."

B'Elanna touched Freddy's arm. "I'm so sorry. What do I do? What do I say?"

The molecular biologist looked at her. "This is very important. This ritual can be overwhelming. Tom is going to go through hell. In rare cases the person going through it will reach out mentally to someone they love. Given that you are mated with him you may sense something. If it happens, DO NOT go to him physically. If you disturb the ritual he will surely die. Do you understand?"

A pained nod acknowledged that Torres comprehended.

"No matter what he tells you when he sees you once the ritual is over, no matter what he asks of you, you must do it. Speak with him normally. At some point he will bare his soul to you and you will see and hear the real Tom Paris for the first time. And you must encourage him and love him. If not, the ritual will fail and he will continue to degenerate and die. He can only go through this once."

Torres nodded. "I understand. I am there for him no matter what." Then she added, "For the rest of my life."

A curious thought came to mind. _So Tom says to me let's make love in engineering! Hope he does not ask for that but what a show!_ She smiled at the thought.

"One last thing, B'Elanna. Prepare yourself. You may or may not like what you hear."

/

Hours later Captain Janeway sat in sickbay with the EMH, Chakotay, and Ensign Aubrey. "Is he ready?"

Aubrey looked pensive. "Yes, Ma'am. He has gone through the pre-ritual and it is now up to him."

Janeway nodded. "Come back alive, Tom Paris."


	8. Chapter 8

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 8

A naked man stood in front of a mirror. Tom looked much better after some solid food that actually stayed down the last time and a night's rest holding B'Elanna Torres. Just touching his body to hers was like electricity and a salve. He felt better now but was also very nervous at the same time.

His pre-ritual mental preparations of inhaling relaxants and reciting Bajoran prayers told him somehow that he would be asked two questions. They could come in any order. One would be 'Who are you'? 'Who' was apparently what made Tom Paris Tom. It was how he identified himself and related it to others.

The other question was 'What are you'? In this case 'what' meant how he really was, not what he thought he was. The questions seemed so simple and easily answerable. But now that he had thought about it he really did not know for sure anymore.

"Computer, what time is it?"

"1315 hours." _Beta shift. B'Elanna should be sleeping. She was on Alpha shift today and will be on Beta tomorrow._

Three hours of preparation meant that Paris had reached the point of ritual execution at 1330. The door to his quarters was sealed with a privacy lock. He had closed and locked the door to his bedroom and bathroom. The lights were off. A Bajoran prayer globe was in the sink giving off a soft glow and emanating the musky smell of incense. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw his reflection, wispy and almost floating.

He softly sang the Bajoran death chant signifying the end of the old Tom Paris. "Ahn-kay ya, ay-ya vasu. Coh-ma-ra, di-nay-ya. Ahn-kay ya, ay-ya vasu. Coh-ma-ra, di-nay-ya…"

Then there was a sudden rush of overwhelming pain so intense that he screamed. He passed out, hitting the floor hard.

/

His eyes opened to flickering light and an incense-filled bathroom. Suddenly he heard his image ask him a question. "What are you?"

Tom was startled. It was his voice. But he had not spoken a word. He clambered to his feet and looked into the mirror. There he was looking right back at himself.

The question had come from within his mind. And then he seemed to be floating over time and distance, which no longer held any meaning for him.

/

He was nine-years-old in his room playing on the floor with ship models and dreaming of sailing on the ocean. Music was playing. Then his father, Captain Owen Paris, walked in.

"What are you doing, Thomas? Why are you not studying your algebra? Let me see your homework. And turn off that damned music. You can't concentrate."

"I needed a break, Daddy. I was wondering if we could go out for a walk."

His father did not hear him as he perused his son's papers. "You have made eleven errors on the first two pages. This is unacceptable. Terrible. You are failing math, me, and the entire Paris family of Starfleet officers past and present. How will you ever become a fleet admiral if you cannot figure out simple algebra?"

"Daddy, I…."

"Give me those." His father took the collection of ship models and smashed one of them under his foot. Tom began to cry. "Every time you make a mistake in life there is a penalty. A Paris male does not cry. Now you get back to work. You can come down to eat but you are not going to bed until you have finished your homework with no errors, period. And let me tell you something…."

 _I'll just tune him out._

/

Tom was in a trance or so it seemed. Then the question came once again. "What are you?"

The image in his mind changed. Tom was now sixteen-years-old and had crashed the family shuttle into Lake Tahoe. "Dad, I'm sorry. But I love to fly. I'll figure out how to make this better. And I'm okay, really."

"There are consequences, Tom. How are we going to get that damned shuttle off the bottom of the lake? Julia, we need to check the insurance policy."

Tom was crying. His father did not care if he lived or died.

 _I'll just tune him out._

/

"What are you?" The question startled him once again.

Now he was a Starfleet cadet at the Academy. "But Susie, I love you. You can't just leave me! "

"Tom, you're a nice guy and all that. But I think this is going a bit too far too fast and I am not ready. We should just step back and take a look at this relationship. You know, evaluate it. But we can still be friends."

"Susie! I don't want to evaluate anything! I don't just want to be your friend!"

"Then goodbye, Tom. We are through."

 _Who needs love anyway?_

/

The image shifted again and the question repeated. He was now in Marseilles in a bar called Chez Sandrine's with a beautiful French girl. "Ricki! Man, you are looking good!

She looked into his blue eyes. "Merci, Tommy. So, we can get together later?"

"Sure. Where?"

"Upstairs. Tommy, I will give you a gift tonight."

"A gift?"

"Two weeks of lessons."

Tom looked a bit skeptical. "What kind?"

She smiled. "How to make love to a woman. Not sex. But how to really make love."

 _Wow!_

/

Then another shift and the same question once again. He was at Starfleet Academy.

"Hey, Cadet Torres! Wait up."

"Yes, sir?" Eighteen-year-old 5' 5" Plebe B'Elanna Torres looked up at a tall Senior Captain Tom Paris.

"So off to see Burke again? You know he just isn't right for you. I mean there are better choices."

"Sir, look, Tom, I like you. A lot. I have pizza with you every Monday night. But are you trying to tell me something?" She looked up at him expectantly with those gorgeous brown eyes.

"Umm, well, umm, no, not exactly." _Shit. Tell her you want to go out with her. She is so beautiful but does not know it. You fell for her weeks ago._

"Okay then. Monday night?" She was disappointed.

"You are trouble, Torres!"

 _Why can't I tell her how I feel? What is it with B'Elanna Torres?_

/

The shifting continued as a stream of images flew by; each one proceeded by the same question. Now he was being court-martialed.

"Ensign Paris, for a serious lie on your report regarding Caldik Prime you are to be cashiered out of Starfleet. It is admirable that you changed the report later to reveal the truth, which speaks to your integrity. However, the Board finds you guilty of conduct unbecoming an officer and numerous charges regarding the safe operation of a shuttle. You are fortunate not be charged with involuntary manslaughter. Dismissed."

Upon hearing the Board's ruling, Admiral Owen Paris stood up and walked away. His mother was sobbing.

"Dad, I'm sorry! I thought I could handle it. I should never have lied."

Admiral Paris turned and looked back. "Consequences, Ensign. Bad judgment leads to bad consequences."

 _I'll just tune him out._

/

"But Ricky, you can't end the engagement! Look, I know I am no longer Starfleet but why does that matter?

"Because it does. I want to be an admiral's wife not the spouse of a liar and disgraced officer."

"Ricky, I came clean at the Board. I saved my honor. I love you!"

"But I don't love you. Goodbye, Tom."

 _Who needs this?_

/

"Laren, don't cry. I won't be in prison forever."

"That's not all of it, Tom. I am leaving the Maquis and returning to Bajor. I am going to the House of the Prophet's and think all of this through."

"I will come for you when I get out. I love you."

"Maybe you do. We had a good thing going but you know you really need someone else. I told her about you, warned her that you two were made for each other and it was inevitable. She laughed at me but it is true."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Torres."

/

Now he was in a New Zealand prison for eighteen months. "So admiral's son, want to find out what it's like to be my huckleberry? I'll bet you are real tight."

"Leave me alone!"

"Hey, you will really love it. I haven't had sweet meat like you in months."

Tom fought off three Maquis attackers before the guards arrived. Bloodied and beaten, there were more attacks coming later.

 _Don't show fear._

/

The Ocampa home world. "Torres, are you okay? You're very sick. Let me give you a hand out of that hole."

"Back off, Paris! I don't need your help."

"Look, I am only trying to…."

"Pig! If you touch me again I will cut your balls off and throw them into the Gamma Quadrant!"

 _That's my B'Elanna! What the hell am I saying?_

/

Another prison. This one Vidiian.

A totally human B'Elanna Torres looked at Tom. "No, that's not it. I think that when they extracted my Klingon DNA, they turned me into some kind of a coward."

Tom was concerned. He cared for her. "Sometimes fear can be a good thing. Keeps you from taking unnecessary chances. Courage doesn't mean that you don't have fear. It means that you've learned to overcome it. And I know that you can find the courage to hold on until we can find a way out of this place."

She managed a smile. She was so beautiful. He was falling in love with B'Elanna Torres all over again.

 _How can I get close to you? I am falling once again so hard for you._

/

Then the question again. "What are you?"

He was in a cave on Sakari IV.

"You can't tell me you are not interested in me!" B'Elanna was panting.

"You're right. I can't."

 _Don't screw this up, Tom. You love her. God, you love her._

/

"B'Elanna, try the fried chicken. And it's almost sunset so Lake Como should be nice and calm."

"Tom, you really make me feel so comfortable." She kissed him. He was flying.

 _Oh, God, I love you B'Elanna! Can you ever love me?_

/

B'Elanna looked at Tom through her face shield. She was crying. "Tom, I have to tell you the truth." Her breath was labored now. It would soon be over.

Tom could barely breathe. "The truth about what?"

She gasped it out. "I…I love you. Say something."

Tom was stunned. Elated. So sad. "You picked a great time to tell me." They held each other close, caressing their face shields through their gloved hands. He wanted so much to kiss her and feel alive like on Sakari IV.

 _I love you too. Some things are never meant to be._

/

Kissing her against the bulkhead. So hot, fiery, returned. Interrupted. Gone. New medical assistant? Yeah, okay.

Where is she? "Computer, locate Lieutenant Torres."

"Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters."

Turbolift, running, sprinting, door chime. Out of breath.

She looks up at him. He is so in love with her.

"B'Elanna, I….love you too."

She breaks into a broad grin. Grabbing his uniform, she dragged him inside.

/

They just began as a couple and he almost lost her to Dejaren on an away mission.

They were in Sickbay, Tom and B'Elanna's second home it seemed. The EMH was agitated. "I have stopped the internal bleeding and repaired the damaged tissue. Your pericardium is clean as a whistle. Which is more than can say for my Sickbay."

Tom was hurt. "I'm sorry about the mess. I haven't had time to clean up. It was a hectic day. I treated two broken bones, an upset stomach, and a lacerated hand."

B'Elanna looked much better and turned to Tom seductively. "Does this mean you are too tired to meet later, in my quarters?"

Tom leered back. "Are you sure your heart can take it?"

Hours later they made love slowly, gently, the way Tom had learned in France so many years before. B'Elanna was in ecstasy and he was flying once again.

/

"Tom?"

"Yes, Bea?"

"Where are we?"

He looked at her. "We are in my Holodeck garage sitting in this recreated Camaro, of course!"

"No, I mean…never mind."

 _What is she getting at? Oh, well._

/

"Tommy?" B'Elanna was playing with his ear.

"Humm. Look at this television show! It is about a talking horse called Mr. Ed!"

"Tom, have you ever thought about our future, I mean long-term?"

"Yeah, decades on Voyager. This popcorn is really good." He kissed her.

 _These shows are so cool!_

/

"Why won't you let me in, Tom? Why do you keep running away from me when I ask you about your past? Why won't you open up?"

"Just leave me alone, okay? I just can't talk about it. You do the same."

"But I love you. I want to help. But you don't seem to love me. You and your stupid ALICE. Fine! I'm out of here. You know where you can find me IF you want to find me."

"B'Elanna! Wait, I'm sorry."

 _Damn._

/

"Maybe just love isn't good enough anymore." Tom was looking at an elderly B'Elanna. Her eyes were sad, her face wrinkled, and her hair grey. His hair line had receded; he had a paunch and walked with a limp.

"What are you saying, B'Elanna?"

"I am talking about commitment, something you apparently do not understand even after decades together."

"But B'Elanna…."

"Don't you understand? I waited for years for you to ask me. I went through menopause. I am too old to have children at seventy-eight. You are eighty-one, Tom. You have not been a pilot in years. We have no family, nothing. You are a selfish playboy, Tom. A little boy who never grew up. And I have had it."

"But B'Elanna!" He coughed. He had been doing a lot of that lately.

"We're finally through Tom Paris. Take your Captain Proton episode five hundred and ninety-nine and your Delta Flyer XXI and everything else that is more important to you than me and shove it. You don't need to run from me anymore. Just stay away from me for the next twenty years, if we live that long. I took you back three times now. Not again. Never." She shuffled away and sobbed, her cane supporting her frail body.

 _I didn't mean it. When did we get so old? So much time wasted._

/

The globe gave off its glow and the incense burned. Tom contorted himself as the smoke floated into his eyes and caused them to water. Or was he crying? That last scene had not happened yet. It was horrible. Was this the future? His future? Their future? _Oh my God! I really act so juvenile. I live in the past as much as the present. Is this how I am? Is this how B'Elanna and others see me?_

Then suddenly it became so clear. There was the answer.

Tom looked at his image.

"What are you?" The mouth remained passive.

He answered. Clearly. Confidently. The image nodded at him and smiled. It faded away.

Suddenly Tom could not stand anymore as he began to lose equilibrium. The weight of emotion was too much for him to bear. Wave upon wave of searing pain flowed through him and his mind felt as if it was about to explode. He screamed in agony as he held his head in his hands. Then he collapsed and things went black.


	9. Chapter 9

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 9

The bathroom deck was cold and the room dark. Tom awoke shivering and apparently had hit his head on the sink given a minor head wound and some dried blood. _Nothing I can't fix with a dermal regenerator_.

His mind cleared. The pain was gone. "Computer, what time is it?"

"It is 2020 hours."

 _Seven hours! Beta shift._

He pulled himself up slowly and placed his hands on the sink for support. The Bajoran globe was still giving off flickering light and wafting smoky incense.

His image looked at him as before. He looked a bit younger, more filled out, and with less strain. Now the second question came.

"Who are you?"

Tom thought about it. _Who am I? What makes me Tom Paris? How do I self-identify?_

His mind raced back and recalled all the memories that had flooded through him just hours before. So much anguish. But that was in the past. Or maybe the future? It is so confusing.

But what did he think about himself today? Who was he right now? That had to be answered.

Two things immediately entered his mind, the two most important things in his life. B'Elanna Torres and Voyager, in that order. He smiled.

Since he had arrived on the Starship almost seven years ago he had changed dramatically due to both of them. He was more mature but still a free spirit at heart. The eternal flyboy. He did what he wanted on his free time although much of it was spent with B'Elanna. Still he tended to put certain priorities ahead of her like ALICE. And Holodeck programs. And working on hobbies. And hanging out at Sandrine's. And fun with Harry. And taking serious risks such as going warp 10….

He stopped. Was that him? Is that how he identified himself? Fun loving and cavalier Tommy the helmboy? B'Elanna liked that boyishness about him but not always. Something was missing with him and her. What was it?

B'Elanna. B'Ella. Bea. No matter what he called her she was it. He had just experienced months of what life had been without her and it hurt so much. Never had a breakup torn him apart like this one did. There was so much agony that he almost went crazy. She had always been there for him before their blowup and he just would not let her in completely. That was going to stop right now.

But it hadn't been easy for her either. He never thought what time apart meant to her emotional stability until he saw her in her quarters with Janeway and Chakotay. But he had always put B'Elanna first, didn't he? Doing little things for her to show how much he cared. But he did not tell her often enough how much he loved her. That tough Klingon exterior meant she did not like the mushy stuff. But now he knew just how wrong it was for him to think that way. She did like it. He had to tell her.

He also thought about what Voyager meant to him. It was a feminine vessel with its grace and neural interface. So easy to handle in his skilled hands.

He had just turned twenty-four when he came on board her as a proficient pilot with an attitude. But he now took his job much more seriously. He had responsibilities. He was the chief pilot. And he would turn thirty-one in two months.

If Captain Janeway had not intervened when he was in prison, he would not be here. He would not have found B'Elanna once again during their Maquis days and what that reunion had become. Voyager was his home now. He would grow old and eventually die here if something did not kill him first. Did he want to go out as a joker?

He mulled that over and it kept hammering at him. No Voyager meant no B'Elanna and vice versa. Memories came back of her smile, her laughter, her touch, making love passionately, sharing a kiss, sneaking her roses and dark chocolate, sharing popcorn, and sending silly notes to her PADD. But he also thought of her competency, her drive, her spirit and dedication, her brilliance, her leadership, and that fiery temper that she tended to control much more than she used to do. And she was always there for him even when she had abused herself in the depths of depression. She was a very special woman. She was his woman, once he claimed her. But he hadn't, had he?

He grasped that two women dominated his life in a positive way. One was made of living and breathing flesh and blood. The other was alive due to its pulsing engines, neural interfaces, and power generation. Together they made Tom Paris what he was.

And the answer to the second question began to form itself in his mind as he recalled an old and long-forgotten event from years ago.

Tom drifted back in time to a conference he attended as a young test pilot flying for Starfleet. The guest speaker was Admiral Robert Duncan, a top pilot in his own right. He said that you never can be Starfleet until you totally embrace it. He called it "You have to love to suck." They all knew what that meant and the crowd laughed.

During the question and answer period one of the pilots brought up his having a difficult time with his new wife and her accepting his budding career. He asked the admiral how he handled his Starfleet vocation and a personal life. Tom was shocked when the admiral spoke from his heart.

Duncan smiled. "Military life has been unchanged for centuries. Having a spouse or partner and children is part of that life for many of us. But most of you struggle because you put your career first and family second. Or you do the opposite. But the truth is they are equal and you must balance them." There were many nods. Tom remembered thinking hard about what the senior officer said.

The admiral continued. "Sometimes one will take priority over the other. I am not saying it won't. But a true career Starfleet officer knows that the relationship he or she has with their family is just as important as their career. One enhances the other. The military career provides security and financial income, as well as incredible sacrifice and hardship. And danger periodically. You can lose your life serving others but we accept that." He drank some coffee.

He thought a moment and continued. "Talk to your wife about the family being your rock of support. Your wife is your lifeline. I would not be here today if it were not for my wife, Roxann. Roxy is also Starfleet and a ship's captain on a mission right now. I miss her terribly. She is a professional tactical officer, my best friend, my lover, and a wonderful mom. We raised two girls even with her career. She provides a home when she is not deployed somewhere. We have moved all over the Alpha Quadrant and she rarely complains. She is everything to me." He got emotional. "I would be lost without her."

Many officers were shocked at the admiral's openness but others knew exactly how he felt. Tom had forgotten all of this but now it came back to him like a warp core detonation.

/

Paris stared into the bathroom mirror. He was unexpectedly weepy. But there it was. Lost without B'Elanna. Lost without Voyager. They must be together, him, her, and the ship. And especially be more attentive to B'Elanna. Finally let her in.

Then the answer came to him as the question was asked.

"Who are you?"

Tom answered with certainty. Or so he thought.

The image nodded but looked strangely pained and doubtful. It did not smile or fade away this time.

Something was still missing. Tom was holding back. Instinctively he knew it; he had to let it go and take that last step. He wracked his brain. _What? Tell me what it is I must do._

The fire within the globe became super-hot and caused it to detonate. The incense ignited into a fireball.

Then it was as if shards of broken glass and an inferno ripped into his very being. Tom once again screamed from waves and waves of intense agonizing pain. He yelled at the top of his lungs as his hands went to his throbbing head as if to hold it together.

But the agony was far too strong this time. It was as if his brain was about to explode. His body was on fire and his nerve endings shrieked for relief. _Too much. Can't take this anymore. Make it stop!_

He was dizzy and slipping away. His breathing became labored and began to slow. He was about to die and he knew it.

Then he realized he could not endure his pain by himself anymore. He needed her to support him. He called out. "Help me, B'Elanna! For God's sake help me!"

/

Lieutenant Torres awoke with a start in her recently sanitized quarters. Her nightlight was still on and barely illuminated her bed. Several PADDs were strewn about with reports streaming in and diagnostic programs running. _What was that? Who called me?_ She looked around but no one was there.

 _Tom_. _The ritual!_ Red nightgown or not, she had an overwhelming compulsion to run to Tom Paris immediately. Override his door locks. Find and comfort him. Love him. She sat up and started to locate her slippers.

But Freddy's warning came back to her. _Whatever you do, DO NOT go to him physically._

B'Elanna closed her eyes and her mind floated as she began to meditate. _You are Tom's lifeline_. Then she could see him. He was naked in his bathroom in agony and dying.

Her mind raced and the words silently poured out. _Tom, I'm here. Tom, I love you. Take my hand. Ask me, Tom. Please ask me to marry you. Please, Tom!_

She abruptly became drowsy. Before falling asleep, she murmured out loud, "Tom, come back to me." Flopping backwards on her bed, she slept.

/

Tom was moments away from death when a second image appeared in the mirror. He could barely see through the flames but there was B'Elanna Torres standing proudly next to him in her red nightgown, her right hand tightly gripping his left with interlaced fingers. She calmly thrust out her left hand palm down with her fingers spread. Her mouth moved.

The pain was so intense he could not hear her words. But she was imploring him, pleading him, begging him to say something she desperately needed to hear. Something they so urgently required. _What, B'Ella? What is it?_

Then it finally became clear as his body began to shut down. Aubrey was right. B'Elanna was indeed his lifeline. But she was so more than that. She was his mate. His wife. She was the mother of the children they would have together. There was no life without her. They must bond.

With tremendous effort he reached out to the mirror and seemed to touch her left hand. With his last tortured breath, Tom Paris excruciatingly stated what he had wanted to tell her for over a year but just could not get it out due to fear of rejection. "B'Elanna Torres! Will you marry me?"

In her quarters, a dreaming B'Elanna reached upwards with her left hand. A tear dribbled down her cheek. "Yes, Tom, I will marry you!" Her hand dropped. She slept in peace.

Seconds later Paris's lifeless body hit the deck as he went to oblivion.

Paris was gone. Torres was gone. The mirror image smiled and faded away. Quenched by Tom's ultimate sacrifice, the globe extinguished itself and the incense ceased.

Now the grieving could begin.


	10. Chapter 10

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 10

 _How long this time?_ _Am I alive?_ It seemed to be forever before Tom's lungs sucked in air. He awoke in a tight fetal position shivering and exposed. Slowly awakening he recognized his sink. There was no evidence of broken glass or fire. The globe smoldered, its light terminated. The vestiges of incense floated away.

Tom rolled over onto his back and looked up into blackness. He felt greasy and his hair was matted. Something reeked and it was obviously him. His pain was finally discharged but so were the contents of his bowels, bladder, and stomach. Bodily fluids and waste had spewed everywhere and he apparently had rolled around in it. Humiliated and soiled, he staggered upright. Blood trickled from his nose and ears. _What a mess!_

Struggling to stay upright, he hoarsely muttered, "Computer, 30% illumination." The lights came on. His eyes adjusted and he gazed into the mirror. His body mass was back to where it had been months ago. He looked younger but was disgustingly filthy and desperately needed a shower. Still, he felt invigorated.

"Computer, time now?"

"It is 0225 hours."

 _Another six hours gone and it's Gamma shift. B'Elanna is asleep._ He blinked and his image blinked back. He rubbed and pinched his nasty body. It was there; he was alive!

Tom finally had the answers he had been looking for. They explained so much about his life and himself. He understood why he was like he was. And he recognized what he must do to make things right. No more living in the past but only for the present and the future.

And he would also live for one very extraordinary person, B'Elanna Torres, his wife.

/

Lieutenant Tom Paris stood in front of Commander Chakotay's room on the senior officer deck. He wore a new meticulously clean uniform and highly shined shoes. He had showered, shaved, brushed his teeth and combed his hair, all after scrubbing his bathroom until it bested Starfleet Academy standards.

He rang the door chime over and over. No answer. He then started pounding until the door opened.

A very sleepy Commander Chakotay appeared in a bathrobe and shower shoes. "Tom, it is 0355. What are you doing here?" He knew why. Tom's coming to him was no surprise after the ritual. "Never mind. Come in."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you for seeing me, Sir."

 _Sir? What the hell?_ "Sit down, Tom."

Tom sat upright at attention and stared the commander straight in the eye.

Chakotay looked at Paris. His weight was back and his eyes twinkled. He was Tom once again, not the gaunt skeleton that he had become but the Starfleet officer and skilled pilot he remembered.

"Sir, I know it is late or early…or something. Crap. Anyway, I need to ask you for three things that are very important. It can't wait. Right now, please, Sir."

Chakotay looked at Tom. There was something just a bit different about him. Still Tom but a little more serious. The military called it bearing. Tom now had it in spades.

"Sure, Lieutenant. What are they?"

"Sir, I need permission to take the Delta Flyer II out for a short cruise later this morning, say four or five hours or maybe six. I don't know. I know the warp core is out of it for maintenance but I only need impulse power. I won't be going far and will remain in sight and within comms at all times."

"Why?" Chakotay had a good idea.

"Sir, it's very personal. I have to take her out. Please trust me."

The commander looked at him. Tom was no longer a pilot but was pleading to have his status reinstated.

"Okay, file a flight plan. What else?"

"I need a three month advance on my credits."

Voyager's second-in-command smirked. "Are you throwing a 'got well' party at Sandrine's?" _Would not surprise me in the least._

Tom laughed so hard he almost urinated. Chakotay broke into a sleepy grin and laughed also. Then he yawned.

"No, Sir! I need them for something exceptional. Something for…someone very special."

Chakotay knew who Tom was talking about but not why. But he would not pry. "Okay, you can draw them now. I just authorized it on my PADD. You said there was one more thing?"

"Yes, Sir. I want…need Lieutenant Torres. Can you release her from duty today but don't tell her yet?" Tom's voice was edgy.

 _That's no surprise_. "No problem." He already had that base covered, just in case. "Can I go back to bed now?"

"Yes, Sir. Thanks. This means a lot to me. To us. Not you and me, Sir. B'Elanna and I. Good night, Sir, umm, morning."

He left. Chakotay watched Tom move down the corridor with a purpose.

/

It was 0415 and Tom Paris was alone in the science lab geology department. He transferred credits into the replicator. "Computer, produce Holographic engagement ring mount Paris-Torres pattern Beta Four and increase size one hundred times." A floating image appeared of a woman's engagement band composed of a white gold ring and a yellow one fused and intertwined to form a single circle.

"Now add a brilliant cut Talaxian fire diamond, double the carat weight, and mount in the center." A flawless two carat cut stone with a natural reddish glow was inserted into its mount.

"Add two cerulean blue and two brown precious stones, diamond cut, surrounding the center diamond and alternate colors." Four small stones appeared, two each that matched Tom and B'Elanna's eye color. They encircled the center stone.

Tom looked the ring over as it rotated. _Perfect._ "Computer, size to left ring finger of Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres and replicate to original size. Polish when finished." The replicator chugged away and ten minutes later it was done. Tom lovingly held it up with a gloved hand. It sparkled like fire as it caught the light.

 _One more thing._ He placed the ring in the laser engraver. "Computer, engrave sentiment dedication pattern Paris-Torres Five inside the ring band using standard script." The laser engraved 'Eternally yours. TEP-BT.'

Placing the ring in a small pouch, a confident and erect Tom Paris headed out the door and back to his room to change into a flight suit.

/

It was now 0720 and the mess hall was crowded with the oncoming Alpha shift personnel for yet another Neelix gourmet breakfast. B'Elanna Torres was a bundle of nerves as she sat at a table with Harry Kim. She played with her food. _What a dream I had last night. It was so real._

"B'Elanna, you haven't eaten anything." Harry looked concerned.

The chief engineer bit her lower lip. Her right foot twitched over crossed legs. "Hey Starfleet, when do you think he will show up? He will show up, right? I mean Freddy was absolutely certain."

Harry shrugged his shoulders and spooned into a pile of something pink and runny. "It's been what, eighteen hours or so? She said it could take up to twenty-four. Who knows anything about rituals? You're the one who meditates. More coffee, Maquis?"

B'Elanna nodded. Kim got up with the mugs. What would she do when she saw Tom? What would he say? What would he ask her to do? All of these things had swirled around in her head for hours along with the image of a naked Tom that made her blood sing.

The turbolift door opened and B'Elanna's heart skipped a beat. _Just three ensigns; no Tom_. Harry returned with the coffee. "So what's next?"

Now B'Elanna shrugged as she sipped. "I have to be in engineering in forty minutes. And there is the initial Board hearing today about Murphy. The doctor said he was suffering from some kind of brain tumor that had affected his judgment and maybe caused him to pounce on me."

Harry grinned. "He's also suffering from you having beaten the hell out of him! If he had attacked Libby like that I would have killed him. I guess you showed some self-control."

She nodded. "Maybe. It was horrible. But he now has a psychological restraining device imbedded in him. If he comes too close to me again he gets shocked ten times worse than two dozen Klingon pain sticks and an audible alarm goes off."

Harry shuddered. _Better him than me._

B'Elanna finished her coffee and heard the turbolift door open once more. Somehow she knew it was Tom. At least she thought it was him.

Torres stared in disbelief. Lieutenant Tom Paris emerged impeccably dressed in a special flight suit he had recently replicated. He had somehow filled out once again into the muscular body she loved to caress. He stood erect and looked in every way a professional Starfleet officer. His 6'1" height exuded a command presence Torres had never seen before.

This was Tom Paris the admiral's son who had been raised to command. In his left hand was a bulging flight bag. In his right were a dozen Tarktanian red roses.

He spotted his lover immediately and his blue eyes fastened to her brown pools. He moved quickly across the room in his normal catlike glide while never breaking eye contact.

B'Elanna's heart beat faster, her two stomachs flipped, and she became very warm in interesting places. She growled. Harry knew enough to get out of the way, which he immediately did as he knocked over his chair. The entire mess hall gathering stopped and could not look away. Even Neelix seemed stupefied.

Tom approached the table. "B'Elanna, these roses are for you. I wish I could fill our quarters with them but that can wait." He smiled that Paris smile. "Come with me, please." He held out his now empty right hand and his face broke into a wide grin. "It's okay. It's me. Your Tommy."

B'Elanna was stunned. The helmboy swagger was back but packaged a bit differently. _Determined as ever with more self-confidence, if that is even possible_. She took his hand firmly and he led her to the turbolift. She carried her roses in her right arm and felt so warm.

Then he paused. "No, Bea, please don't walk behind me. Only beside me. Okay?"

"Sure Tom. I normally do." She smiled. "Where are we going?" Freddy had not prohibited her from asking questions.

"Docking Bay One. We are taking the Flyer out for a short flight. I have clearance. Also, you are off-duty for twenty-four hours as of 0800. You are my flight engineer."

/

Paris and Torres entered the Flyer and Tom handed her the flight bag. "B'Elanna, your flight suit is in here. Can you change into it while I go through the pre-flight checks?"

"Sure. Umm, Tom, why are we taking it?" She was puzzled.

Tom grinned and then became serious. "Because we built it, B'Elanna. You designed it, I made some modifications, and Harry and Seven helped. But this is our ship, yours and mine. Us. Together."

B'Elanna was stunned. _Our ship! Of course it is_.

He continued talking while undertaking the pre-flight checks. "I know you say I talk too much. Sorry." He smiled again. He was so happy. B'Elanna could not help but to smile back with that look that drove him nuts.

Tom was gushing. "I spend a lot of time in here alone. But every time I come aboard I think of you. The engines are your engines and they give me great comfort knowing that you designed and maintain them. I feel so safe because of that. When they are running it is as if I hear your voice and feel your presence." _He thinks of me when he is in here?_ _He never told me that before._

"Also, we need to be alone. To talk. No disturbances. No Leola root." They laughed.

B'Elanna had stripped down to her underwear, a red bra and matching panties that Tom had given her for her last birthday. He turned in his seat and looked at her with an intense longing. She loved it. "God, you are so beautiful, B'Ella."

As hard as it was for a Klingon, she blushed. "Thanks." She wanted to melt. _Is this a dream?_ She finished dressing in an identical flight suit to Tom's and sat down at the engineering console in the back.

"B'Ella. Don't sit there. Come up here into the auxiliary pilot seat next to me, please?" He patted the cushion. She moved forward and sat next to him.

"Systems are online. Delta Flyer cleared to leave Voyager." They departed.

/

Ensign Aubrey turned to Captain Janeway. "Captain, apparently Lieutenant Paris has taken Lieutenant Torres to a place where they can be alone without interruption."

"Now what?"

"We wait, Ma'am. If he did the ritual correctly you should have two officers whole again once they have settled things. If not, something very bad will happen. You might prepare for an emergency beam out just in case, if they are in range."

Janeway gave the order to the transport chief to maintain a lock on Paris and Torres. If need be, Voyager was prepared to move.

/

Tom took the Flyer ten kilometers off of Voyager's starboard side, far enough away for his purpose but still close enough to be seen. He checked comms and received a clear reply from Chakotay. He then shut the engines down and turned to face a very anxious chief engineer.

"Bea, I suppose you want to know what I went though. I can't really explain it. It was as if I could see every part of my life like a PADD recording. There was a lot of bad stuff and pain but plenty of good things also, especially about you and Voyager. So this may take a while."

B'Elanna smirked. "It's not like I am going anywhere, Tom. I think you saw to that."

They laughed again. Tom felt so free. B'Elanna was so gorgeous. He wanted to kiss her forever.

"Okay. Where to begin?" He scratched his head and took a deep breath. "I feel great. I know now what has been bothering me for so long. I have affected us so much in a bad way and I want to apologize. I can be so juvenile about things but that is over now."

B'Elanna stared. _Wow_.

"The ritual, actually me, asked me to answer two questions about myself. I did it. But before I get to that you have asked me in the past about myself and I have always avoided telling you the hurtful things."

"Tom, you…." She was about to say he did not have to do it. That was what she always said. Not this time. She finished the sentence. "…can tell me anything. I am here for you. Always."

Tom was overcome. "I know you are and will. And you've been there for a long time now. And I appreciate it. More than ever. You are my rock, B'Elanna. My rock. My…lifeline. You saved me from me. You brought me back."

She was stunned. _Oh my God!_ Suddenly she was vibrating. She had not realized until just now how deeply he loved her. _Brought him back? It did happen! I was there!_

"Okay, here goes." Tom poured it all out. His problems with his father, his mother's love, his rebellious nature, his immaturity and cocky attitude, Caldik Prime and loss of commission, his New Zealand prison experiences in detail, how B'Elanna Torres and Voyager had saved his life and gave him purpose, and how he enjoyed his hobbies but no longer at her expense. He talked of lost love and former lovers, his friends and enemies aboard ship and of course what she meant to him.

Out came his hopes, fears, and dreams. Everything. He laughed, he cried, and he emptied decades of built up pain and became whole again. And all through it B'Elanna Torres sat patiently as she grasped his right hand and stroked it with her thumb. He finished nearly two hours later.

"That's it; the life of Tom Paris in a nutshell."

B'Elanna was in awe. Gone was the Tom who hid so much. He had talked to her openly not only about himself but what he liked about them as a couple and what he thought they needed to work on. She was shocked by his deep respect for her as an equal. He admired her intellect and courage and sought to emulate her work ethic, creativity, professionalism, and drive to excel. He was so proud of her. She could not believe it at first but soon realized he meant every word.

She now understood Tom Paris better than she ever had. And she still loved him. When he told her about wanting to date her during plebe year and that he had fallen for her way back then, she cried. She remembered those pizza dates with delight. She often wondered as a cadet what it would have been like to get to know him better. It was one of the highlights of her time at Starfleet Academy. She was ashamed that she had never responded to months of his letters or comms after she had left. She was sorry that she later called him a pig.

Tom should be tired but he was running on adrenaline. Now he would really lay it out.

"B'Ella, I answered my questions."

"Yes, Tom?" She was so nervous.

"Here goes. The first was 'What am I?' That one took a bit but I figured it out."

"I am an adult, B'Elanna. A human male adult with all of my limited successes and plenty of failings. I am not a little boy or a rebellious teen or someone who did not live up to my father's wishes or those of past girlfriends. I am Thomas Eugene Paris, a thirty-year-old adult and soon to be thirty-one. And an adult does not run away from trouble or problems, personal or professional. An adult faces difficulties and does everything possible to resolve them. An adult is open with the person they love. No secrets. No hiding. No running. And that is what I am going to do from now on. Face it. Face US like an adult. Does that make sense?"

B'Elanna nodded. "Yes, Tom. It does." _Oh my God. Where was this ritual years ago?_

"Okay, so the second question was 'Who am I?' I think this question is the most important although the other one gets at our relationship issues. Correction, it hopefully ends our relationship issues."

He laughed. She did likewise, brushed her hair back from her face, and placed her hands in her lap.

He was staring into her beautiful brown eyes. "So I am who I am because of two very essential parts. And when I say these two things keep in mind that one is not more important than the other. They are intertwined." He meshed the fingers of both hands into one fist. "Each gives the other strength. I cannot separate one from the other. It would kill me."

She was impressed. Never had she imagined the depth of feelings within Tom. He was always joking and almost never serious except with her and even then. But he was very serious now.

"So here is who I am." He took a deep breath. She waited.

"I am Lieutenant Junior Grade Thomas Eugene Paris. I am a Starfleet officer. I am the highly skilled chief pilot of the Starship Voyager and a lot of people trust me with their lives. I am the proud son of Admiral Owen and Julia Paris. I am the loving younger brother of Kathleen and Moira and an uncle to nieces and nephews I know and others I still have not met. I am the continuation of a line of exceptional Starfleet officers. And I will never do anything anymore to soil the Paris name and I will always make my family proud of me. I plan to remain in Starfleet as long as they will have me or life's decisions change those plans."

An astounded and loving woman sat silently in front of him. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She discerned his strength of character all along. He just would never admit it to himself or her. _I should say something._

"Tom, I…."

Then he smiled so broadly that it left her panting. "B'Elanna, wait."

"Tom?" She tried to smile but she was very tense. Her hands were moist and her skin felt so warm.

"I said there were two things. To me this next one is the most significant among the two equals and it will always be that way to me."

The chief engineer presumed what he was about to say. But she needed so much to hear him say it. _Oh, God, please, please, please._

"B'Elanna, I am not just a legacy Starfleet officer. He paused and got a bit emotional. I am…the future husband of B'Elanna Torres."

She gasped anyway. A wave of excitement flooded over her. _Oh, Tom! Finally!_

Tom looked at her with tears and love in his eyes as he took both of her hands in his. "And as far as I am concerned that future begins now. And I mean right now. I can't live without you. I _do not_ want to live without you. You are everything to me, B'Ella. You are so intriguing. So intelligent. So beautiful. You are my life, my blood, my present, and my future. I want to have children with you. Lots of human-Klingon children. Sure we will have disagreements and I would be lying if I told you we wouldn't. But we will work them out. I will stay with you all the days of my life and I wish you would do the same for me."

He carefully extracted the engagement ring out of the protective sack in his pocket and held it up to her. Dropping to both knees he looked straight into her eyes with unending love. "B'Elanna Torres, will you marry me? Or do I have to beg? Could become embarrassing."

A man exposes himself like no other time in his life when he asks a woman to marry him. He is so vulnerable and she is in control. Say 'yes' and life together begins with all that can mean. Say 'no' and everything is over.

B'Elanna's mind raced. _Think B'Elanna you scared Klingon warrior._ She had wanted him to ask her for so long. But old doubts crept in. _How could he love me with my ridges? And my mostly-controlled temper? Why hasn't he asked me before? If I take too long to answer will he withdraw the question?_

And then she saw his smiling face and his eyes so full of hope and love for her. In an instant all of her fear washed away. She knew. He was her mate for life. She was all in.

"Yes, Tom, I will marry you! I love you so much."

She thrust out her left hand palm down and was astonished by just how steady she was. His eyebrows rose as he recognized the motion from the ritual. He slipped the perfectly-sized ring onto her finger. "You just made me the happiest man in the universe! I will never let you down, Bea, never."

"I know, Tom. Neither will I." They kissed passionately. They came up for air minutes later and locked eyes. Her hands were around his neck and his encircled her waist. She giggled.

Then she looked at her engagement ring, the symbol of his present and future love that she had longed for. The large diamond was brilliant, beautiful, and fiery like her. But the smaller gems caught her immediate attention. "They're our eyes! Oh, Tom, it is beautiful!"

Tom was ecstatic. "So are you. A stone of fiery beauty for a fiery and beautiful woman. Two blue and two brown stones for our eyes and also a boy and a girl. Maybe more. Lots more gems where those came from."

She blushed. "Maybe not, Tom. Klingon and human sexual differences won't make it easy for me to conceive you know."

He smirked. "Hey, we have a great family doctor. And it will be fun trying until we get it right."

"You got that right helmboy!" They kissed again deeply until B'Elanna pushed back just a bit.

Then a feeling came over her. There was something she was compelled to do.

"Tom?"

"Humm?" He was contemplating their future together.

"I need to say a few things also. Please sit down." He sat next to her and held her hand.

And now she found herself pouring out her soul as well. Her father's abandonment, her mother's strict code of honor, growing up Klingon on Kessik IV, being used in high school, Max Burke, her pent up anger and shame after leaving the Academy, why she joined the Maquis, a crush on Chakotay, her views on her relationship with Tom, being an engineer on Voyager, her love for him and how she knew it. The Vidiian prison and her discovery of the real Tom Paris and how she felt the pull towards him then. Longing glances on the Holodeck and just about everywhere else. Knew it was only him on Sakari IV. Their brief conversation later on the turbolift when she really knew. The Klingon romance novel discussion. Her declaration of love in EV space suits. Their first real electrifying kiss interrupted and then making love for the first time later. Having that Cardassian hologram doctor remove the alien life form against her will but not understanding until later how hard Tom fought to save her life. Then came Steth, the petaQ who had seduced her while in Tom's body. Her shame for not knowing it was not her Tom. ALICE and her fear of never seeing him again. How that nearly destroyed her. Her self-mutilation and depression over the death of the Maquis. How Tom broke dates that she so longed for. And knowing that their relationship was in stasis and she wanted more. She so much wanted to marry Tom Paris. And now that was going to happen. And she was so happy and looking forward to having children with him. And Tom listened patiently for over an hour as he stroked her hand.

When she finished he now knew B'Elanna Torres for who and what she was. And he loved her so much.

Here was someone like him who had been badly hurt throughout life but was now putting all of that behind her. Two kindred spirits who never quite fit in until now. Her present and future was with him and him with her. Period.

"I love you, Bea. Everything about you. How couldn't I love you?"

Then with so much love in her heart, B'Elanna Torres did something she had once believed impossible. She asked Tom to marry her right now in their ship.

"Tom, make it real. I want to take the Klingon blood oath. Claim me. Right now, Tom. Claim me."

Tom looked at her with overwhelming love in his eyes. "I have studied Klingon culture and I know when we do this we will own each other. We will be responsible for each other. We will be together body and soul forever. Is this want you really want?"

There was no hesitation. "Yes. More than ever, Tom."

"Then do it B'Elanna. I want it also. Say what we should have said years ago."

B'Elanna stood up proudly and took his hands in hers. He also stood up straight and confident. She smelled him then bit him on the jaw and tasted his blood. He did the same to her.

Then she spoke the words. "JiH Dok, my blood."

Tom took her by the nape of the neck and pulled her close while looking deep into her eyes. "Maj dok, our blood."

Then both of them growled and spoke the final words together. "Tlighan jIH, I am Klingon."

Taking a small knife, they cut each other's hands and placed them together. A great weight was lifted off of both of them, a heaviness that had been there since after Sakari IV just over four years ago. Under Klingon law and customs, they were now married. That left only one more thing to do. Consummate their bond by making love.

In the quiet and seclusion of their shuttlecraft, Tom and B'Elanna slowly and lovingly undressed each other. Showing the tenderness and knowledge of seasoned lovers who let the other lead, they explored each other intimately as they intertwined upon a thick emergency blanket. An hour later they were truly husband and wife. No pain sticks, no throwing heavy objects, no recitation of Klingon poetry. And only a few bites and some bruises but no broken bones.

That would come later.


	11. Chapter 11

Making Up is Hard to Do

Chapter 11

Captain Janeway sat in the 'Big Chair' on the command deck and scanned her PADD. Commander Chakotay had forwarded the weekly summaries of the section chief reports noting nothing of importance. Everything was as it should be less what was happening aboard the shuttle off Voyager's starboard beam. And of that she had no clue.

Despite what seemed to be a crew busily going about their shift or enjoying off duty activities, Voyager was buzzing with speculation as to what was happening aboard the Flyer. Bets were placed over outright murder to intimate sexual relations. No one, however, predicted that the two Starfleet lieutenants would return as a married couple.

No one except Seven-of-Nine. Seven's study of human sexuality held copious amounts of information regarding Paris and Torres. She had predicted they would reconcile. She also foretold that they would marry. Now she was confident that the two would quickly put aside their differences while alone in space in a similar fashion to when the almost died in their EV suits nearly three years before. To her, the couple only made bold moves when they were absolutely alone be it on Sakari IV, a frozen cave, or now aboard the Flyer. Paris meeting with Torres in seclusion was the logical step to finally bonding. She was about to become a credit-rich woman.

/

Just over five hours after the Flyer had departed Voyager, the comms channel opened. "Delta Flyer to Voyager." Tom Paris's voice came over the comm and was immediately picked up by Janeway. _Funny, Paris is speaking over Lieutenant Torres' comm badge_.

"Janeway here, Tom. What is your status?"

"One second, Captain. B'Elanna, stop it!"

At that point everyone on the command deck heard B'Elanna Torres giggle and Tom laugh. The two happened to be lying naked in each other's arms with B'Elanna stroking Tom's lower extremities and licking his ear. In his excitement he had accidently sat on the comm badge on his discarded flight suit. The comm channel was open due to a hot microphone.

Paris responded to his wife with his fingers between her legs. "You're tickling me! Tommy! Don't, stop it!" More giggles. "Ummmmmm…." Some obvious passionate kissing went out over the comm.

Janeway looked around as the command crew tried to appear very busy. Chakotay smirked and Tuvok nodded. Harry Kim shrugged and grinned.

Realizing something was wrong due to microphone feedback, Tom found his badge and cut the link. "Ooops!"

He called again using his own commbadge. "Paris to Voyager. Our status…Hey, B'Elanna!...is that we are nearly done here…Hey!...and umm, well, umm. Oh man! B'Ella!"

"Hurry up helmboy!"

"Umm, we are ready to come…aboard that is. I, we, need clearance to dock and…umm…Yes!...well, we need to see you right away Captain, if you can please meet us in five minutes. Oww, that's my ribs! On second thought give us half an hour. Delta Flyer out."

The comm link ended.

The Captain smirked. She notified Docking Bay One to secure and open the outer doors once Tom signaled his pending arrival. She turned command over to Tuvok and motioned for Chakotay to follow her. They would pick up Ensign Aubrey on the way.

/

The Delta Flyer entered the docking bay and settled down onto its landing pad. The engines revved briefly and then shut down as Voyager's doors closed.

Once the area pressurized, the ground crew arrived to secure the vessel as Captain Janeway, Chakotay, and Ensign Aubrey approached it.

The shuttle's rear ramp opened and Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres stepped out, every hair in place, her makeup perfect, and with the broadest smile Janeway had ever seen on her. Her right arm was slightly backward because her hand was firmly attached to the left hand of Tom Paris who was grinning like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

The two walked side-by-side to the Captain when suddenly B'Elanna could not stand it anymore. She let out a small shriek and held up her left hand. "Tom asked me to marry him! I said YES!"

Three people stared at the couple and the same thought entered their minds. _Finally!_

"Congratulations you two," said the Captain shaking their hands. "Umm, I can tell by the blood and bite marks on your chins that you are a couple once again?"

Tom spoke. "Actually, Captain, we have now bonded. We are married, at least according to Klingon law."

B'Elanna never stopped smiling or stopped holding his hand. She felt so giddy.

"I see. Did you bring pain sticks aboard?" Janeway laughed. Chakotay and Aubrey grinned.

Tom was not amused but managed a smirk. "No, Ma'am. But you see, Captain, we also want a wedding under Starfleet civil regulations. This one will be a human ceremony and with your permission we would like to do that as soon as possible. We believe in short engagements."

Torres now looked determined. "I agree. As soon as possible. 2000 hours tonight? And Captain?"

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"I…we…would like to discuss new living arrangements with you. There are some larger former VIP quarters being used for storage on Deck 2 that I…we…have had an eye on for several months now. And some new furniture and other items. With your permission, of course." She smiled.

Janeway nodded. "Of course. Consider it a wedding present. Commander Chakotay will take care of it."

"And also us being put on the same shift so we can spend more time together. If that is not too much to ask?"

This time it was Chakotay's turn. "I'll take care of it."

Ensign Aubrey spoke up. "Lieutenant Paris, can I have just a brief word with you, if that is okay with Lieutenant Torres?"

B'Elanna glared but in a nice way. "Keep it very brief, Ensign. I have a lot of plans for him."

/

Tom and Freddy walked over to the Flyer, which was being serviced.

"Tom, are you okay?" Aubrey was obviously concerned.

Paris moved his feet a bit. "Yeah. But I had my doubts I was going to get through it alive. It was dicey at the end."

She now knew it had nearly gone wrong. "You…died?"

"Yes, I think so."

She stared and wondered what happened. People either lived or died during the ritual but there was no return from death.

"Tom, the mating link should have broken then. B'Elanna would have grieved and it would have ended without bonding. You should not be here."

Tom shook his head. "No, that is not true. I'm here because you were right."

Aubrey looked confused. "Right about what?"

Tom looked at her. "About everything really. But mostly about B'Elanna."

He was getting emotional. "I had never believed that two people were really destined for each other, you know, people having free will and all of that. But I do now. How else could we have known each other at the Academy, separated for a few years, became Maquis, and then ended up together once again in the Delta Quadrant?"

Aubrey shook her head. She had no idea. Pure coincidence?

He then spoke with conviction. "At the end of the ritual I could sense I was dying. No, I knew I was dying. Just before I lost consciousness I called out to B'Elanna and she came to me in the mirror. She…was my lifeline. Just as you said she was. She saved me, Freddy. She saved me from myself. She brought me back." His eyes watered. "How can I ever repay her?"

Freddy's own eyes welled up with tears. "You can love her forever, Tom. Isn't that repayment enough?"

Tom nodded. "I suppose it is."

/

A determined and confident B'Elanna Torres was fidgeting with her makeup in her mirror and then dabbed on Tom's favorite perfume. She pulled her wedding gown over her head to conceal her white bra, lace panties, garter belt, and stockings. Assisting her were the Delaney sisters who now zipped her up, combed her hair, and slipped a garter up her right leg. She then pushed her feet into white shoes with four-inch heels.

"Oh, B'Elanna! You look so lovely. Tom is going to go nuts!" That comment came from Megan Delaney, one of Tom's former girlfriends who he had dated for months aboard Voyager.

B'Elanna smirked. _And now he is mine you…._ She did not complete the thought. All that was over now. No need to speak about the past.

The wedding dress was a gift from the ship's crew and was replicated from Torres's human grandmother's holograph wedding picture taken over seventy years ago. It was white satin and lace that hugged her in the right places while exposing just enough cleavage to make it interesting. Her train was short enough to not require an assistant but long enough to appear as if she was floating. And that was exactly how she was feeling.

In a few moments Commander Chakotay would arrive at her quarters. He was going to give her away since her father, John Torres, was not there. And she was more than ready.

Tom Paris wore his dress uniform. It contained Starfleet decorations for service and valor approved once the MIDAS array allowed monthly communications with the Alpha Quadrant. He was most proud of his master pilot's wings, which he highly polished until it almost glowed on its own. _I can't wait until Dad, Mom, and my sisters meet B'Elanna. He will recognize her from my Academy days when she was a plebe. But she is now a woman, a beautiful woman, and no longer a rebellious teenager. Humm…rebellious. Me or her?_

Tom was pacing about and talking to himself as his best man Harry Kim looked him over and brushed off his uniform. Paris was slightly nervous but only because he desperately wanted to be with his wife.

Scanners had found a humanoid-inhabited M-Class planet that Voyager now orbited. Tom and B'Elanna would take a short ride on the Delta Flyer and then honeymoon at a plush and warm seaside resort. Voyager's crew would also enjoy a week's shore leave in the nearby capitol. The Starship would undergo a much needed overhaul, this time without the supervision of the chief engineer who would be obviously occupied.

Captain Janeway stuck her head into the rec room off the mess hall to see her chief pilot walking about. "Cold feet, Lieutenant?"

"No Ma'am, just anxious. I really want the rest of my life with B'Elanna to begin as soon as possible."

/

Tom Paris stood patiently next to Harry Kim and awaited the arrival of his bride. The turbolift doors opened and out stepped a vision that took his breath away. B'Elanna was stunning, her left arm intertwined with a beaming Commander Chakotay. Tom had never seen her look so happy.

Chakotay accepted a hug from Voyager's chief engineer and then handed her over into the loving hands of Tom Paris. The two looked into each other's eyes as Captain Janeway administered the wedding ceremony. Vows and sentiments were exchanged along with two plain gold wedding bands that matched the engagement ring.

B'Elanna did not wait for her Captain to finish saying "You may kiss the bride," for she launched herself into Tom's arms and bussed him shamelessly. The crew members applauded loudly, even those on duty watching from monitors around Voyager.

Of course, Seven-of-Nine caught the bouquet and smirked. For some reason she found herself staring at Commander Chakotay who pretended he did not see her glance. And then he looked back and smiled.

The Captain's log recorded the ship's first but not last wedding in the Delta Quadrant, for other crew members followed suit.

The reception was a Neelix affair in every sense of the word. He outdid himself given such short notice and managed a full dinner buffet, a marvelous wedding cake, champagne, and decorations. After the meal and many kisses and toasts, the party moved to Chez Sandrine's for dancing and an open bar furnished by the senior officers. After the newlyweds danced together and with their guests, they quietly slipped away. Accepting congratulations from those they passed in the corridors, the couple ran arm-in-arm to the Delta Flyer for their trip to the surface.

/

Tom landed their ship, killed he engines, and turned to his wife who was filling champagne flutes. He toasted her glass with his, careful to keep his rim below hers as a sign of honor. They had come so far over the last six-plus years yet their journey together was just beginning.

"To B'Elanna Paris."

"To Tom Torres."

They laughed, drained their glasses, and then tossed them against the sanitary compartment door.

Tom laughed again. "Maybe we should just keep our last names, at least for now? Could get confusing with two lieutenants on Voyager having the same last name."

B'Elanna batted her eyes and teased. "Why Tommy, there are two Delaney's on board with the same rank and you never seemed to get Jenny and Megan confused when you comm them."

Tom looked a bit sheepish and his face turned red.

Tom's wife continued and she touched his lips with a finger. "But I suppose we can decide on last names later. I can think of a few more interesting things I would rather be doing at the moment."

Tom agreed. "Then shall we gather our bags and abscond to our nuptial abode, Mrs. Torres?"

"I think that would be a fine idea, Mr. Paris."

They stared at each other briefly and then broke out in laughter. Settling for a quick kiss, the honeymooners secured their ship and departed. With a bag in hand and arms around each other they slowly walked barefoot across the beach to their hotel. They stole kisses as the sun began to set.


	12. Epilogue

Making Up is Hard to Do

Epilogue

Commander Tom Paris lay on the couch in his apartment. He tossed his laughing two-year-old daughter Miral into the air and caught her. His wife, Lieutenant Commander B'Elanna Torres, would soon be coming home to eat dinner after her comps exams at Starfleet Academy. Her forward-thinking engineering talent and practical application skills along with her high IQ had earned her two degrees already and accelerated placement into the doctoral program.

As he tickled his beautiful daughter, Tom reflected on the last twenty-eight months, which had truly been unbelievable.

One month after Tom and B'Elanna married, a subspace subliminal message from the Bajoran vedek Teero Anaydis triggered a Maquis rebellion on Voyager. The message entered Tuvok's mind and he began to attack former Maquis crew members to mind-meld and pass on an activation code into their brain. B'Elanna was attacked and ended up in Sickbay with Tom attending her. Tuvok attacked Chakotay who later Phasered Tom unconscious when attending to his wife. She became one of the co-conspirators. While the uprising had been short-lived, B'Elanna was horrified that once she became active she felt nothing for the man she loved and nearly transported him and so many other crew members into exile on an M-class planet.

Tom nonetheless forgave her immediately. It was not her fault. He also pointed out that she had not removed her wedding and engagement rings when wearing Maquis garb. In fact, her outfit was so arousing to Tom that he insisted she wear it at home occasionally even though they were now living in San Francisco.

A month after the aborted uprising tragedy struck when Ensign Sean Murphy died on his first away mission. The xenobiologist was part of an away team investigating an abandoned laboratory that apparently blended natural and synthetic materials to enhance some form of life. He was electrocuted when he tampered with a live power conduit. Witnesses said he apparently did not know the power was on but others could not fathom that such a skilled scientist would make such a simple and lethal mistake.

Soon thereafter B'Elanna collapsed in Voyager's engineering section only to discover she was pregnant. While human/Klingon sexual conception was not easy, the doctor found that Torres's parents had genetically altered her ovaries before birth to ensure that one had human eggs and the other Klingon. The outcome was Miral, Tom and B'Elanna's first child who was seventy-five percent human and twenty-five percent Klingon.

Despite the Bajoran ceremony and her revelations to Tom afterwards, B'Elanna felt anxious over her future daughter's appearance when she saw her Bioscan image in her womb. Torres did not want their little girl to look like her with even slight forehead ridges. She tried to alter the doctor's subroutines to make him modify the child's features before birth until Tom found out and stopped it. After Tom convinced his wife that they were not their parents and he would not leave her because he would be living with two Klingons, the incident ended all of B'Elanna's doubts about herself and her mate.

Even if she needed more reassurance she found it after reading Tom's personal logs. B'Elanna perused them to assist in restoring her memory after it had been erased by the Quarren. Unlike her PADD entries which were mostly about engineering matters, she discovered that every one of Tom's log notations since the day they were married mentioned her. And it went back farther than that. Tom had loved her in secret for a long time, longer than she thought possible. She cried over why they had waited so long to find each other and how fortunate she was.

B'Elanna gave birth to Miral in Sickbay as her husband piloted Voyager to escape a Borg vessel as they entered the Alpha Quadrant near Earth. Their baby had a tremendous impact upon B'Elanna's sense of what motherhood actually meant. To say that she doted over Miral and smothered Tom with affection at the same time was an understatement.

But readjusting to life on 2378 Earth and in San Francisco was not easy for any of them.

For just over seven years, the ship's crew had been a slave to Voyager with its constant demands just to survive. Nearly every day was filled with the continual throbbing of the warp engines, endless comms link chatter, and close-quarters conversations. Privacy was difficult. Food was replicated more than cooked fresh and necessities were paid for in credits. And death was ever-present. Still, leaving Voyager was one of the most emotionally-draining events in their lives.

For Tom and B'Elanna, life on Earth took a lot of adjustment professionally. Tom had been a pilot of some type of ship for years and missed it terribly. But he was once again on the command track and flew a shuttle or was in a simulator whenever possible. But that was nothing compared to piloting Voyager with its neural interfaces. He yearned for the helm but knew that those days were over.

B'Elanna was no different in her missing engineering. She had devoted so much of her young life to the responsibility of giving commands as a chief engineer, tending to warp cores, and supervising ship's systems maintenance. Now she had returned to Starfleet Academy and pursed the degrees that she had previously shunned. Tom provided encouragement and proved to be the husband she had dreamed of, one who loved her completely and was a devoted father.

Becoming reacquainted with family and friends after seven years was overwhelming. B'Elanna and her father came to terms and he turned out to be a wonderful parent and grandfather. Tom's family was so grateful to have him back that his mother cried for a full day, although his sister Kathleen picked up her teasing right where she had left off. His admiral father apologized for past transgressions as he hugged his son and told him he loved him. He was so proud that Tom was the first human to break the warp 10 barrier and had guaranteed his place in history alongside notable space pioneers. The Paris clan quickly embraced B'Elanna and Miral. Tom's adoring wife now had the family she had always wanted.

The darkest days were testifying at Starfleet Boards of Inquiry, a weekly routine for the first year.

One panel determined why Voyager ended up in the Delta Quadrant and officially cleared the newly promoted Admiral Janeway. That inquiry was complicated but the prime directive ultimately saved her bacon.

As former senior Maquis, Chakotay and B'Elanna faced courts-martial for treason and other charges but ultimately received full pardons. The other Maquis were also cleared. Those such as B'Elanna who chose to remain in Starfleet were given full commissions and promotions. Torres was promoted to lieutenant commander. Chakotay became a captain and assumed command of Voyager, which went into dry-dock as both a temporary museum and a retrofitting Starship.

In Tom Paris's case, his sentence to the New Zealand Penal Settlement was commuted. Now in March 2378, Lieutenant Commander Tom Paris just returned to active duty. His year of compensatory leave had ended.

Last week he discovered his pending recommendation to become the hand-picked first officer to Captain Chakotay aboard the refitting USS Voyager. That meant a promotion to commander.

While honored to be considered, his first concern was B'Elanna and Miral. He contemplated withdrawing his name, which would disappoint Chakotay and B'Elanna in particular who never held him back in anything he thought to be important. Admiral Duncan's words about balancing career and home life came back to Tom once more.

/

His thoughts evaporated when B'Elanna Torres wearing a red dress and heels walked through the front doorway. She still took his breath away, especially when she gave him that smile.

His wife kissed him and kicked off her shoes. Taking their daughter from Tom's arms, she flopped on the couch after running late and looked a bit tired. "Damn high heels. My feet are killing me!"

Her husband stood up. "I'll rub them for you. Wanna beer? I have dinner replicating and we should be able to eat in an hour. Fried chicken, potato salad with paprika, fresh Cobb salad, and my special Klingon blood pie with Leola root garnish for dessert. Just kidding about dessert, it's actually strawberry shortcake."

B'Elanna laughed and hugged Miral as Tom left for the kitchen. "A beer would be nice, Tom. How fast can you get to my feet?"

"How about your exam results first?" Tom was more than willing to touch his wife and vice-versa, something that had not cooled off in their relationship and never really would.

She continued. "Honey, I passed all my written and oral comps! Highest honors! Finally ABD! Now if I can only finish the dissertation on time." B'Elanna was one relieved doctoral candidate. Miral squirmed but then began to tire in the warmth of her mother's arms.

"That's great, Mommy! You should be finished in about six months." He had just received his own doctorate in Starfleet administration and operations from the Daystrom Institute and was so proud of her accomplishments.

She shouted towards the kitchen. "Thanks, Daddy! They are going to let me write about the slipstream drive we engineered on Voyager and compare it to a new working model they have for the next generation Starships. Most of the dissertation is mathematical equations and proofs so not too bad. I am so glad I am not a history major."

"Me too. I married an engineer, the best in Starfleet. Oh, I wanted to remind you that Harry and Libby are going to meet us at Chakotay and Seven's apartment tomorrow evening at 1900. They promised no replicated food this time. Everything will be fresh now that Seven has learned how to cook. Admiral Janeway and Mark will be there also. He's on a one-year sabbatical from Yale."

B'Elanna shook her head. "Chakotay and Seven! She's starting to call herself Annika now that most of the Borg implants have been removed. You know she is my age? And who would have thought they would get married and be hosting parties? But I guess catching that bouquet at our wedding went to her head. Or other places. He certainly got the message." They laughed.

Tom returned with two light beers. He handed her one then kissed her thoroughly. B'Elanna then took a slug off the bottle. He rubbed her feet for a while until she reluctantly indicated that she felt more than better. Miral yawned. It was almost time for her nap.

Tom held up his PADD. "I got a message today from Freddy Aubrey. She passes on her best wishes."

"How nice! Isn't she now a licensed civilian psychiatrist?" B'Elanna checked Miral's diaper. All was okay given Tom had changed her not to long ago. He was a model father.

"Yeah. She's a contractor working at Starfleet headquarters. She pre-screens pilot candidates during flight physicals. She is also getting married. Met a doctor at work who lost his spouse last year to the Dominion. He has two small children and they all hit it off. She's sending us an invitation to their wedding."

"That's great, Tom!" Then B'Elanna thought about a conversation she had with Freddy years ago on Voyager. 'You know, she deserves happiness. Life really kicked her around early on."

"Just like us." Tom smiled.

"Yes, just like us." Miral had fallen asleep and B'Elanna carried their daughter to the nursery.

She returned and held out her left hand to grasp his before sitting down next to him. Picking up her beer she took a quick swig but then looked quizzically at her husband who was now staring at the floor.

B'Elanna's hand gesture had prompted a memory to resurface and Tom began to cry.

"Tom, what's wrong? Are you okay?" She was rubbing his back.

Her husband looked at her. "Remember that Bajoran ritual where I nearly died?"

How could she forget? It changed their lives. She bit her lower lip and nodded.

"Well, the way you held out your hand to me just now and wearing that red dress brought back a flood of memories. I can't tell you this enough. You saved my life, B'Ella. I was leaving you forever but you were there. My lifeline. My rock. You pulled me back from the brink and I love you so much!"

B'Elanna hit his arm and started to cry. "You sap!" Tom deeply kissed her, which she returned in a similar fashion.

Tom wiped his eyes and then hers. "So enough of being morose. Why were you late, Bea? Nothing important I hope?"

B'Elanna again bit her lower lip and a smile inched its way across her face.

He had seen that look many times before. It always gave his blood a stir. "Bea? B'Elanna? What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?" He had his arm around her now.

B'Elanna sipped her beer and snuggled into his shoulder. "Well, you know I have been feeling tired lately and not eating well. I've been out of sorts from the stress of studying for the exams. So I stopped off to see Doctor Joe just for a quick checkup and because he had been asking about his goddaughter."

Joe was the name the former Voyager EMH had finally decided to call himself. Miral's godfather did not get to see enough of her, as far as he was concerned.

Tom finished his beer and put the empty bottle on the coffee table. "So how is he doing, holographically speaking?"

"Oh, he's fine. Married life and fatherhood appeals to him. He asked to try out his new quadcorder on me when he ran a few tests. It is quite the upgrade from the old medical tricorder."

Tom smirked. So like the doctor and his love of technology to ask to do that. So like his wife to accept. "And he found out that everything is in proper working order, I take it?"

Now B'Elanna really grinned. "Oh, yes. Everything is just fine physically. More than fine, actually." There was just a touch of excitement in her tone.

Tom knew something was up. He looked into her eyes. "Bea, what are you telling me?"

B'Elanna put her arms around Tom's neck and kissed him sweetly. She smiled and looked into his eyes.

"Before I take you to bed flyboy and give you a thorough Klingon ravishing, the test results showed that we can have more children. My fertility issue has been corrected without additional surgery."

Tom was thrilled. They had been trying for so long.

"So Mr. Future First Officer, once we get back from Voyager's next mission in 2381 we should start trying again, don't you think? Time to bring the blue stones into our lives to join the brown ones." She held up her engagement ring and wedding band.

Tom's face broke into an immediate grin. "It's not like we haven't tried. You know I'm more than okay with it. But what do you mean when 'we' get back? This is an unaccompanied three-year mission with a month's annual leave each year."

"Ah, didn't I mention it? I received a PADD message at the doctor's office that I have been assigned to Voyager as Chief Engineer. You can thank Admiral Janeway tomorrow night for that one. I will be reporting directly to my favorite helmboy, excuse me, First Officer, for the next three years…Commander."

 _This is too good to be true._ "Wow! And Miral?"

"The upgraded Voyager now has an on-board school and daycare facility. The Federation regulations still allow married Starfleet families to travel together on peacetime missions. I do not think we want to leave her behind, do we?"

Tom was ecstatic. "No, we don't." He hugged her. "I love you, B'Ella!"

"I love you too, Tommy!" Tom picked up his giggling wife and traipsed off to their bedroom. She closed the door with her right foot.

"Bea, where did you leave the dermal regenerator?"

"Find it later. Come here and get those clothes off right now." _Growl_. _Thud. Thump._

Michael Owen Paris was born in June 2382.


End file.
